“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.”

“Okay.”

“Did you finish drinking your prep?”

“Yes. It was disgusting.”

“Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.”

“Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.”

“How was your last bowel movement.”

“Squirty.”

“Squirty?”

“Yes, squirty.”

“Did you reach the peeing through my arsehole stage of the prep?”

“Yes. I was peeing through my arsehole.”

“Let’s break into a song. If you pee through your butthole…”

“If you pee through your butthole…”

“… your doctor will love you.”

“… your doctor will l… Say. What’s the monstrosity that the nurse just rolled in?”

“Oh, that? That’s the colonoscope. That’s what we use to perform the colonoscopy.”

“You’re not putting that hideous contraption up my butt!”

“Yes, we are. Okay, now, count from ten backwards.”

“Net, enin, thgie…”

“We’ve got a joker on our hands. Anesthetist! Use your anesthetic mallet to knock the patient unconscious.”

[BONK!]

“I feel sleepy. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz…”

“Good. Now that the patient is out, let’s paaarrr-TAAAYYY!”

[In dreamland…]

“Congratulations! You are now the proud parent of a… turd!”

“Can I see my baby turd?”

“Of course not! We’ve flushed it down the toilet.”

“Murderer!”

“Now, now. It is now in a septic field, living a life of fulfillment.”

[Back to reality.]

“Anesthetist, please bring the patient back to consciousness.”

[BONK!]

“Ouch! What was that for?”

“The anesthetist just undid the anesthesia.”

“I’d like to marry you.”

“Good god! The patient is still under the effects of the anesthesia. Anesthetist!”

[SLAP SLAP]

“Ouch! And what was that for?”

“You said you’d like to marry me. This was to stop the anesthesia’s lingering effects on you.”

“Did I? I don’t remember it.”

“Yes, you suffer from marital amnesia.”

“What about my colon?”

“Good news! You indeed have a colon!”

“Thank god! What more can you tell me?”

“Bad news! You have a rock band colonizing your colon, The Colonists.”

“Hmm… that explains the tinnitus.”

“Nurse, take this patient to the dump.”

“The dump? What for?”

“We’re discharging you, but first we have to charge you.”

“How much?”

“An arm and a leg. Nurse, make sure to amputate this patient prior to the discharge.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #colonoscopy #microfiction