The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension.

Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind?

Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature.

Therapist: What makes you say this?

Patient: They say that I’m cold. It hurts, you know!

Therapist: I understand.

Patient: Some of them even say I’m downright frigid.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Patient: Terrible! What’s more, I have a friend I regularly go out with. Everyone calls my friend warm.

Therapist: Do go on.

Patient: Heck, they even call my friend burning hot at times.

Therapist: Okay, but why does this make you feel terrible?

Patient: It is a bit on the nose, isn’t it? They are intimating that I should change my nature.

Therapist: How so?

Patient: I’m a refrigerator! It is my nature to be cold!

Therapist: I had noticed, but it is good to hear you voice it.

Patient: I do have a warm side, but people ignore it.

Therapist: Oh?

Patient: My coils are hot, but people never think to look at them and comment about how hot they are. They are on my back. It’s not like I can move them to be more evident.

Therapist: You mentioned a friend.

Patient: What about my friend?

Therapist: This friend is…

Patient: Oh, it is an oven.

Therapist: I see. For a second there, I thought it might be a furnace.

Among the therapists notes, we found the following scribbles:

A new pickup line?? How would it go???

“Hello, pretty. You must be a fridge.”

“What? Are you saying I’m frigid?”

“No!!!! It is because your coils are so hot.”

“Fuck off…”

Hmm… maybe not.

In a similar vein:

The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency.

Customer: Hi.

Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…]

C: [Confirms name, etc.]

CSR: What can I help you with?

C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but your site says I’m ineligible.

CSR: That’s correct.

C: But it makes no sense. They are going to cut my current coverage soon. I should be able to buy new coverage.

CSR: Can you take notes?

C: Yes.

CSR: You cannot purchase coverage because you are still currently co…

C: This does not make sense!

CSR: Sir, let me finish. The script I’m following is super important. I must finish what I started telling you.

C: Or what? The universe is going to explode?

CSR: I am offended by your insinuation.

C: Alright, go on.

CSR: Because you are still currently covered. You need to go to [this website] or call [this number].

C: But it does not make sense!

CSR: Yes, it does.

C: Why should I have to talk to a different agency? You are responsible for healthcare in my state. It does not make sense.

CSR: It does!

C: How so?

CSR: It makes total sense… if you are squirrel.

C: What?

CSR: You just have to look at it from the perspective of a squirrel. They do not stash their nuts all into the same hole, do they?

C: No, but this has nothing to do with my situation.

CSR: It does.

C: How come?

CSR: Just like a squirrel spreads his food among multiple hole, we’ve decided to spread resources among multiple agencies.

C: Anyway. What do I do with the information you gave me?

CSR: You’re going to have to make an application for financial help at that website or phone number.

C: What? I know I’m not eligible for financial help. I’m going to have to apply just so that they can reject me before I can purchase coverage.

CSR: How would I know?

C: But you’ve just told me…

CSR: I don’t know. I don’t work there.

C: Good grief! None of this makes any sense!

CSR: Actually…

C: What? I must look at it from the point of view of a squirrel again?

CSR: No, you need a lobotomy for what I’ve just told you to make sense.

This story was inspired by an actual discussion between a customer and a customer service representative.

The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction.

Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss.

Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either.

W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.”

J: Ah, er, AI-generated?

W: I’m afraid so. Now, what will you have to drink?

J: Do you have Coca-Cola?

W: No, but we have Krok-Koala. That’s the AI-generated substitute of Coca-Cola.

J: I’ll have that then.

W: Very good. I’ll give you time to find out what you want to eat.

[Later.]

W: How do you want your Krok-Koala?

J: Er… the usual way?

W: Very well. [The waitress presses her robotic tits together, and a jet of liquid hits the journalist in the face.]

J: The hell! This assault is the opposite of what I wanted!

W: Hmm… bend over and prepare for rectal delivery.

J: That’s not what I meant. I wanted it in a glass! And please remove your mask. It is distracting.

W: Sir, this is my face.

J: What? Two minute ago it was bare, but it is now covered in fur.

W: The AI keeps changing our appearance. There’s nothing we can do about it.

J: Well, get me a towel. I still have to review this restaurant.

W: How about “O?”

J: What are you talking about?

W; What’s wrong with “O?” It is a perfectly good vowel, and it is not like there are lots of choices.

J: I asked for a TOWEL.

W: I’m sorry. My voice to text module had trouble for a moment. I thought you wanted a vowel. I’ll get you a towel.

[Later.]

W: Are you ready to order?

J: Yes, I’ll have the spotted dick.

W: Sorry, we cannot serve you this.

J: Why?

W: The d-word is censored. Besides, our chef is liable to misinterpret your order and fetch the actual organ.

J: Okay, I’ll have the black pudding, then.

W: Excellent choice!

[Later]

W: Here is your black pudding.

J: It… it… smells like shit. [Cuts into it and smells it.] Good grief! It is shit! What kind of game are you playing here?

W: Do you want to talk to the chef?

J: Absolutely.

[A minute elapse.]

Chef: Sir, you want to talk to me?

J: What is this?

C: Black pudding.

J: No, this is shit!

C: Oh, isn’t it what black pudding is supposed to be? When I look at it in magazines, it does look like a slick turd. Look at this image!

J: It does look like shit, but I bet that’s your AI’s interpretation of black pudding.

C: Well, yes, it is.

J: That’s it, then! I’m done!

C: But what about dessert?

J: You can shove it up your rear end.

C: As you wish… Piss, come over! I need your help.

W: What is it?

C: I’m going to bend over, and you’re going to shove some dessert up my rear end.

W: Understood…

[The journalist walks out while the two AI androids prepare for rectal delivery.]

The year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3.

Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens (the second movie in the franchise), while not as great as the first movie, was still interesting and had taken this franchise in new directions, Alien 3 was an abysmal flop. It was so bad that even the movie’s director, David Fincher, disowned it.

In 2025, undaunted by the sheer turdity of the original cut, Robert Vance has taken upon himself to give moviegoers the movie they deserve. The Daily Isotope went to the premiere of Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, and interviewed Vance ahead of the showing.

DI: What prompted you to beat this dead horse?

Vance: I felt Fincher was never given the opportunity to present the movie he wanted. Also, I needed money for a yacht. Come to think of it, the yacht was the main reason.

DI: How did the editing go?

Vance: The original cut had spent too much time on the xenomorph, character development, and the plot.

DI: So, what did you do?

Vance: I’ve cut a lot of the original material, and given the public what they wanted. The Ultimate Cut definitely won’t waste your time.

After having seen the movie, The Daily Isotope can faithfully report that Vance has achieved his goal. Clocking at 35 seconds, this black and white, and silent movie will definitely not waste your time. However, if you are pressed for money, we do recommend waiting for streaming. You could also wait for it to be available on one of those services that are free but subject you to advertisements. The ratio of ads to movie might be irritating, however.

Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts.

Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum 3.

Doohickey: Aye, aye, captain.

Captain Eurgh: What? Where’s the aye-aye?

Science Office Four Eye: Captain, there is no aye-aye. Doohickey was simply answering affirmatively.

Captain Eurgh: I see.

Narrator: The Habeas Corpus, the jewel of the fleet. Captain Eurgh is her commander, and Ancy DeLaTroi, the pansexual, is his right hand.

DeLaTroi: Why do you always do this?

Narrator: Do what?

DeLaTroi: Why refer to my sexuality? I’m an engineer. I was at the Battle of Xorth for crying out loud. My sexuality is the least interesting bit about me.

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: You called me?

Narrator: No, I was just clearing my throat.

Captain Eurgh: Dammit.

DeLaTroi: You don’t refer to Captain Eurgh as Eurgh, the straight, do you?

Four Eye: First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual, there is a message for you.

DeLaTroi: [To the narrator:] See! That shit is spreading! [To Four Eye:] What’s the message?

Four Eye: Remember to buy milk on your way home.

DeLaTroi: Here I am, First Officer of the Habeas Corpus, Veteran of the Battle of Xorth, being reminded to buy milk… You know what that makes me, don’t you?

Narrator: Pansexual??

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Captain Eurgh: Aha! You called, right?

DeLaTroi: No, said Argh, not Eurgh.

Captain Eurgh: Awww….

Ensign Argh: What do you need?

DeLaTroi: The officers’ toilet is clogged. Go deal with it.

Ensign Argh: Aye, aye, First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual.

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Ensign Argh: Yes?

DeLaTroi: No, I was just expressing frustration.

Ensign Argh: I can unclog the toilet, but you know what it means, right? I’m going to die while doing it, because I’m a red shirt.

DeLaTroi: Well, this is a cross we will all have to bear.

Narrator: Thus ends this episode of Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus. Will DeLaTroi, the panse…

DeLaTroi: This shit again!

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: What?

The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing.

Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this true?

Man: Yes. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Do people actually subscribe?

Man: Yes, I have two subscribers. A lot of people decide to just not interact with me, but that’s their loss. This interaction was the second of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: What do you do when officials, like the police, want to talk to you?

Man: They get limited free access. This interaction was the last of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Really?

Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: This is stupid.

Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: You have the intelligence of an amoeba.

Man: [Angrily.] You bloody f… You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: [At this point, our reporter sighed, and put on a wig and Groucho Marx glasses. He also shifted the range of his voice higher.]

DI: Really?

Man: Yes, the other interviewer really had used up all their free interactions for the month. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Doesn’t this paywall thing make dating difficult.

Man: Dating is a topic unlocked if you pay for our After Dark tier.

People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of the substance. We’ve interviewed a few of those who now engage in this new craze.

“Yeah, with the price of coffee that kept going up, I started worrying,” Samuel Budd told us. “Then I heard about boofing from a friend, and I decided to try it. I can now use a fraction of the quantity I previously used. Sure, I don’t get to taste it, but I still get my caffeine shot.”

Nancy James explained, “At first, I was a bit confused. I had no clue how I’d drink coffee with my butt. I eventually bought an enema bulb, and now I give myself coffee enemas. Bonus points for having a clean gut, for you-know-what… haha!”

We also talked to Bill Pugh. “I’ve been boofing my coffee for a while now. I quite like it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the price of eggs too, and I’m wondering now when I’m going to have to start boofing them, and how…”

This practice is becoming so prevalent that Folgers is thinking about cashing in on it by changing their jingle to “The best part of waking up… is Folgers up your butt!”

Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.

As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.

Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.

“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”
– Jack Lumack

Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage.

John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing. Well, The Big Whoop Opera is doing the same for the world of dramatic performances, not only by having the musicians do nothing, but also having the entire cast of characters just stand there on stage for one hour and 18 minutes.

We’ve interviewed more audience members to try to give you an idea of what it was to observe these actors and listen to these musicians do absolutely nothing.

“At some point, you could hear a cat in heat meowing. It was probably a stray that got into the building. However, now that I think of it… It might have been a couple getting it on. I’m not sure now.”
– Gisele Adams

“During the third act, the tenor coughed. Majestic!”
– Herbert Jackson

“The leading lady and I crossed gazes, and it was magical. It was like she was looking straight into my soul, and I was looking into hers.”
– Janet Loggins

We tracked the leading lady, and asked her. She said she was just constipated.

The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder.

Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed through the 39483 towns named Anytown in California to find her. Subsequently, we realized that using the zip code would have saved us a lot of work.

However, our work was made a bit easier due to the fact that she has no restaurant attached to her name, as evidenced by the notation “RSTR NONE” on her license. We also knew that we were looking for a woman with burnt hair and eyes (“HAIR BRN, EYES BRN”). So we went around asking women with burnt hair and eyes whether they had a restaurant.

When we finally tracked her down, we asked how she felt about Real ID. In response, she barked and ran into a lake, presumably elated at the news that Real ID is a reality.