The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work.

Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy, but it turns out that the problem is more complex. I’m a bit ashamed now to admit that it wasn’t laziness, but something deeper.”

We caught up with Martin Thompson, an electrician, while he was diagnosing one of those broken machines. When asked about the issue, Thompson explained, “As you can see here on my oscilloscope, the power going to the nozzle has flat lined. This means that the machine is suffering from acute depression.”

We asked Thompson what the solution would be. “In this case, the depression is quite treatable. This machine should be given lexapro, and be entertained by clowns on a daily basis. In a few weeks, it should be back to its old self, ready to serve ice cream.”

We talked to other people involved in the repair of commercial machines, and they all reported finding in the broken machines cases of anxiety, depression, and OCD. In some cases, like those of autism, or ADHD, it seems the condition existed from birth and just recently became manifest.

We asked Thompson, who explained, “Yes, it seems that some machines were born neurodivergent. We cannot cure them, but we can care for them the best we can.”

The article that inspired this satire:

https://www.theverge.com/2024/10/25/24279371/mcdonalds-ice-cream-machines-right-to-repair-copyright

Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we don’t know the gender of B.

A: Our date was nice. Say, I’d like to pursue something between the two of us.

[Two weeks of silence go by.]

B: Sorry, I did not mean to ghost you. I don’t think you and I are on the same page. The date was nice but I don’t wish to pursue anything with you.

A: Okay. No problem.

B: What?

A: I don’t have a problem with you not wanting a relationship.

B: Wait a damn minute! I am an extraordinary human being! You should be begging me for a relationship. What kind of man are you?

A: I’m not a man. I’m an enby. I don’t know if it is due to the fact that I’m nonbinary or autistic, or what, but I don’t have a competitive bone in my body, and I don’t force people into things. If you don’t want a relationship with me, then so be it. I wish you good luck in your search.

B: Good luck?! You think I’m going to need luck? You think I’m so fugly that I’m going to need luck? WTF!

[A blocked B.]

The person we called B went to the police claiming harassment, mainly because of the “good luck” wish. We issued a FOIA request to get the transcript from the police records. The police issued this statement: “Someone who does not pitch a fit when you break up with them is not harassing you. Just get on with your life! Okay?”

We cannot prove this, but we strongly suspect that B was neurotypical because of their reaction to “good luck.”

Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for the same job.”

Unfortunately for Smith, they did not pass the interview. We reached out to the interviewers for an explanation. Nancy Watson, head of HR, looking away in the distance, said, “Smith was not using eye contact enough. It is a dead giveaway because liars avoid eye contact.”

On the other hand, Robert Billings, head of engineering, with a unblinking gaze exposing our very soul, explained, “Smith used too much eye contact in their interactions with us. It is well known that people who excessively look at you have something to hide.”

Watson continued, “There’s a sweet spot of eye contact we look for. We want candidates to show just the right amount of eye contact.” Asked for further comments, Watson said, “Oh! And Smith also asked for accommodations. We all know what this means: this person is just faking for attention. Am I right?”

Smith is still on the lookout for a job. They are currently learning how to produce just the right amount of eye contact to pass an interview.

The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man.

Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.”

She asked her messenger who would it be that would be immune to her glare. “I answered that would be immune to her glare the one who does not even perceive the glares.” This answer turned out to be prophetic.

Apparently, the Empress did not count on the fact that some autistic people are terrible at reading body language, and thus would not read her glares. Enter the autistic man we mentioned earlier, Mr. Shitbucketemptier.

“I came over to empty her shit bucket. She tried glaring at me, but I suck at reading body language and did not read her glare.” Thus, the Empress was powerless over Mr. Shitbucketemptier.

He became the Hero of the Realm when he drowned her accidentally in her bath.