“Hi, Annie.”

“Jim, I’d like to talk to you about an important topic.”

“Right now? Can’t you see I’m milking a cow?”

“Yes, but can’t you stop for a moment to allow me to deliver this important message.”

“Alright. [To the cow:] Okay, Clover, we’re going to take five now.”

[The cow moos and walks out of the shallow pool in which our protagonists are.]

“Go ahead, Annie.”

“I’d like to talk to you about combustible liver.”

“Combustible… liver… What’s that?”

“It is a serious medical condition. Roughly 20 percent of the population has to live with the condition without knowing it.”

“Without knowing? What can they do?”

“They can get tested by their doctor.”

“What’s the procedure?”

“The doctor will try to set their liver on fire.”

“And if it catches fire?”

“Congratulations. You have combustible liver.”

“What can you do if you have combustible liver?”

“You should keep your liver away from all sources of combustion, preferable in a safe at the bank.”

“Ah.”

“…”

“Well, can I call Clover back?”

“You never want to hear what I have to say, do you?”

“I just thought you were done delivering your message.”

“I was, but that’s not the point. You’re too keen to stop listening to me.”

“And why do you always come to me with those important topics? Couldn’t you deliver your messages to someone else… like Julie.”

“Never mind.”

[The camera pans out, revealing Clover leaning against a brick wall, and smoking a cigarette.]

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

“Never heard of that individual.”

“Oh, The Dark Lord is known by many other names.”

“Like what?”

“The Lord of the Infernal Realms.”

“The Lord of the Infernal Realms. I see.”

“And The Master of Darkness.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of this one. So The Master of Darkness and The Dark Lord are one and the same?”

“Yes, they are.”

“Are there more names?”

“Yes. The Outhouse Shit Fly of Annoyance.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and Mr. Poopyhead.”

“Mr. Poop… Wait! What?”

“Also, Wibble Flibble Bong Bong.”

“Okay, now you’re just making shit up.”

“I swear I’m not!”

“I’m going to go back to my study now. Good luck with The Dark… er… I mean with Wibble Flibble Whatever.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #TheDarkLord

“Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.”

“Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.”

“No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.”

“Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.”

“Alright, it’s metaphorically, not meteorically, but let’s forget the cockroaches.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. You’ve painted quite the picture.”

“Okay, I’ll put away brushes, paint, and easel now.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll give it to you straight. You’ve got cancer.”

“Okay. I don’t know where you were going with your cockroach metaphor. At any rate, that’s a relief.”

“It is quite serious. Why do you call it a relief?”

“I thought you’d say I have explosive diarrhea.”

“No, but judging by the trail of shit behind me… that’s what I have.”

“Hahaha!”

“I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you. With the chemo you’re about to get, you’ll get a good idea of the explosive diarrhea experience. Hahaha!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #cockroaches #shit #ExplosiveDiarrhea #cancer

“Yes, I love that song.”

“Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?”

“Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.”

“Dammit!”

“But they did hear the song.”

“YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!”

“Why?”

“Scallywag! I OWN the rights to that song.”

“Oh, you wrote the song, or made the music?”

“Now, don’t be silly. I did none of this. I just, you know, own the RIGHTS.”

“Ah.”

“I’m picking copyright law as my WEAPON. What WEAPON do you choose?”

“Er… common sense?”

“Drats!”

“What?”

“You win. I cannot do anything against COMMON SENSE.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #music

“It was Bring Family To Work Day. So I met a bunch of new people.”

“How did it go?”

“Well, the first person I met was crying all the time.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, we tried to cheer him up. We tried giving him food and drinks, doing a puppet show. Nothing worked.”

“A puppet show, eh?”

“Yeah. Then the second person I met regurgitated all over me.”

“Wow. Do you know what was wrong with this individual?”

“No. That’s just something that new people are liable to do.”

“Er… I’m not sure what this has to do with being a new person, but okay…”

“Then, the third new person I met was a complete stinker.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her diaper was full.”

“How did you know she was wearing a diaper? She could just have shat herself.”

“That full diaper was visible for everyone to see.”

“What?! What full-grown adult would go around the office with their diaper visible for all to see.”

“Who said it was a full-grown adult? I was talking about *new* people. People that are new to this world.”

“…”

“In other words, babies.”

“That does not make sense. New people means people *you* did not know beforehand.”

“Oh? Let’s see. If I say ‘I saw a bunch of old people at the grocery store.’ what do you understand?”

“I understand that there were people of advanced age at the grocery store.”

“Right. You do *not* understand that there were people I already knew there.”

“So?”

“Consequently, when I talk about *new* people, I’m talking about people who were born recently. Babies. Ergo ipso facto.”

“Semper ubi sub ubi!”

“What?”

“Oh, I thought we had switched to Latin.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #NewPeople #babies

“aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…”

“That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age. What advice do you have for the younger folks out there?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“…”

“Well, this was the interv… I mean… the funeral of a 350-year-old fly. Stay tuned for the news.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #interview #flies #funeral

“Any special instructions?”

“No hamsters.”

“Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.”

[Later.]

“Here is your burger.”

“Excellent! Wait. What’s this?”

“Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.”

“I said no hamsters!”

“Yes, and this is not a hamster. This is a gerbil. If you did not want a gerbil, you should have said ‘no gerbils.'”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #restaurant

“I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.”

“That will be five pounds.”

“I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!”

“Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds, please.”

“Alright, here are your five pounds”

“Excellent! Take a seat.”

“May I take this one?”

“Yes… What are you doing picking that seat up?”

“You told me to take a seat, so I am taking a seat.”

“Put that seat down and sit down, you oaf!”

“Alright, alright! No need to get angry, old woman!”

“Old? I’m only 35, you know.”

“Yeah, well I’m 15 so…”

“At any rate, I’m going to read you now.”

“Okay.”

“Hmm… I see… something.”

“What do you see?”

“You… you masturbate… a lot.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I see what I see, young man!”

“Anyway, what can you tell me about my future?”

“Give me a second… I see something else. You will be betrayed.”

“I knew it! It is my second in command, isn’t it? That bastard is going to betray me to the enemy.”

“No… not him… you will be betrayed… by your farts!”

“My farts? How so?”

“While hiding in the bushes, you will fart. The enemy will hear it, and kill you.”

“You must be seeing wrong. I do not fart. [Fart noise.]”

“Oh, what was that noise?”

“A frog… that was a frog.”

“Sure it was. Anyhow, this future can be averted.”

“Averted? How?”

“That will be another five pounds.”

“Listen, old woman, I am on a very important mission.”

“Five pounds!”

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Now will you tell me how to avert this future?”

“Don’t eat beans.”

“Don’t eat beans? That’s it?”

“Yes. It will rob your gut from the fuel it needs to produce farts.”

“Well, then I shall eat cauliflower.”

“Great! And stop masturbating. You’re going to get hairy palms.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #knights #masturbation #farts

“You still look human to me.”

“That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.”

“So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“So what have we here?”

“It’s an abduction case.”

“How do you figure?”

“Do you see a victim?”

“No.”

“There you go! The victim was abducted.”

“There’s a question I’ve gotta ask.”

“Shoot!” [Gun fire.] “What the hell are you doing???”

“You said shoot, so I’m shooting.”

“I meant ask me your question, and put that gun away.”

“Alright. What’s up with the pile of dead dogs over there?”

“I called the K9 Unit. These are cadaver dogs here to help in the search.”

“Did they turn up anything?”

“Not yet. We’ve given them the victim’s clothes to sniff, but so far no reaction on their part.”

“That’s a bit vexing. What’s the name of the leader?”

“Rex.”

“Come here, Rex. I’ve got a treat for you!”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, tough crowd.”

“We’ve got to give it time. They haven’t been at it long.”

“Oh, they’re recent graduates of the cadaver dog academy, I take it?”

“Yes, a freshly minted batch of cadaver dogs. Top of their class too. They are excellent at playing the role of cadavers.”

“Well, if those dogs find something, please let me know.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #dogs

“Am I good to go, doctor?”

“No yet. I must ask you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Okay.”

At the ophthalmologist:

“We’re almost done. I just need you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Hmm, unexpected but… okay.”

At the grocery store:

“Please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“You bought cheese. Our cheese comes with a complimentary prostate exam.”

“What if I say no?”

“Well, then no cheese for you.”

“Hmm… alright then…”

At the bank:

“Hands up! This is a hold up.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, now please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Our hold-ups come with a free prostate exam.”

“Wait a second. I’ve been checked by my primary care physician, my ophthalmologist, and my grocer. My prostate is fine.”

“Well, I guess my father was right.”

“How so?”

“He kept telling me that I’ll never make it as a doctor. That’s why I rob banks as my main job, but I was trying to keep the dream alive. You know, by doing prostate exams on the side.”

“Oh, well… alright then, you can do your exam.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you! Hear that father???”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #prostate