People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of the substance. We’ve interviewed a few of those who now engage in this new craze.

“Yeah, with the price of coffee that kept going up, I started worrying,” Samuel Budd told us. “Then I heard about boofing from a friend, and I decided to try it. I can now use a fraction of the quantity I previously used. Sure, I don’t get to taste it, but I still get my caffeine shot.”

Nancy James explained, “At first, I was a bit confused. I had no clue how I’d drink coffee with my butt. I eventually bought an enema bulb, and now I give myself coffee enemas. Bonus points for having a clean gut, for you-know-what… haha!”

We also talked to Bill Pugh. “I’ve been boofing my coffee for a while now. I quite like it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the price of eggs too, and I’m wondering now when I’m going to have to start boofing them, and how…”

This practice is becoming so prevalent that Folgers is thinking about cashing in on it by changing their jingle to “The best part of waking up… is Folgers up your butt!”

A recent survey uncovered an alarming trend among coffee drinkers. It revealed that two thirds of coffee drinkers lick a live electrical outlet right after they drink their coffee.

John Minston, a dentist from the National Common Sense Dentistry Institute, explains, “For some baffling reason, a lot of coffee drinkers like to lick a live electrical outlet right after they drink coffee. This is the one thing you should never do. You want to drink toilet water as a chaser, kiss a shark, or even detonate a nuclear bomb? Have at it! But never ever lick an electrical outlet.”

When asked for alternatives, Minston continued, “We don’t recommend adopting this behavior. We instead suggest that coffee drinker go lick a cat, or their own hand. This way they don’t risk electrocuting themselves.”

Nancy Strong, a coffee drinker, agrees, “Yeah, I used to lick the electrical outlet, but I was shocked when I discovered that I could electrocute myself. Who would have known that electricity runs thought that thing? I now lick the cat, much safer. Ack… aaaaarck….” She then coughed up a hairball.

The National Common Sense Dentistry Institute urges coffee drinkers to stop licking electrical outlets. Minston concluded, “Even if it means that a cat somewhere is going to be annoyed at their owner’s new behavior.”

Yes, I know that’s the second article of the day, but sometimes the satire just writes itself! This article inspired this story:

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/loving-drinking-coffee-heres-the-1-thing-you-definitely-shouldnt-do-according-to-a-dentist_uk_671f59c3e4b03aa5c1cdb386