The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension.

Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind?

Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature.

Therapist: What makes you say this?

Patient: They say that I’m cold. It hurts, you know!

Therapist: I understand.

Patient: Some of them even say I’m downright frigid.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Patient: Terrible! What’s more, I have a friend I regularly go out with. Everyone calls my friend warm.

Therapist: Do go on.

Patient: Heck, they even call my friend burning hot at times.

Therapist: Okay, but why does this make you feel terrible?

Patient: It is a bit on the nose, isn’t it? They are intimating that I should change my nature.

Therapist: How so?

Patient: I’m a refrigerator! It is my nature to be cold!

Therapist: I had noticed, but it is good to hear you voice it.

Patient: I do have a warm side, but people ignore it.

Therapist: Oh?

Patient: My coils are hot, but people never think to look at them and comment about how hot they are. They are on my back. It’s not like I can move them to be more evident.

Therapist: You mentioned a friend.

Patient: What about my friend?

Therapist: This friend is…

Patient: Oh, it is an oven.

Therapist: I see. For a second there, I thought it might be a furnace.

Among the therapists notes, we found the following scribbles:

A new pickup line?? How would it go???

“Hello, pretty. You must be a fridge.”

“What? Are you saying I’m frigid?”

“No!!!! It is because your coils are so hot.”

“Fuck off…”

Hmm… maybe not.

In a similar vein:

A man, MrTorso, proved to a scammer, BigTits339, that he isn’t gay by agreeing to pay for a new laptop. The Daily Isotope was provided with a transcript of the exchange between BigTits339 and MrTorso.

BigTits339: Let’s video chat. I wanna show you something.

MrTorso: Alright.

[MrTorso connects with BigTits339 through video chat.]

MrTorso: I can’t hear you.

BigTits339: Oh, the mic is busted.

MrTorso: I also don’t think you can hear me.

BigTits339: That’s because the speaker is also busted. I really need a new laptop. Maybe you can give me $1000 for a new one.

MrTorso: Wait… there’s a banner that showed up in your video saying that it was uploaded to a porn site. This is not even you! You’re just trying to scam me.

[MrTorso disconnects from video chat.]

BigTits339: I just need to replace my laptop.

MrTorso: No way! You’re a scammer.

BigTits339: Rejecting a beautiful woman like me! Are you gay?

MrTorso: I’m not gay!

BigTits339: Prove it!

MrTorso: I’ll send you $1000 right now! What’s the account?

BigTits339: Okay, the Bitcoin account is [redacted]. Prove to me that you are not gay!

[A little later.]

MrTorso: There! You’ve got your money! I’ve proven that I’m not gay.

BigTits339: True. You’re a straight dunce.

[BigTits339 disconnects.]

Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.”

He soon ran into an article recommending that people talk to their parts to reduce their stress. Its headline read: “Ever felt so stressed you didn’t know what to do next? Try talking to your ‘parts'” So he talked to his heart first. He explains, “My heart wanted a relationship with this person, because it was longing for companionship. Where my brain voted ‘no’, my heart voted ‘yes’. It was a tie, however.”

So he decided to talk to another part, his junk. “My junk was like, ‘Sex???? Hell yes!!!!’ So at this point I had two votes for the relationship, and one against. My brain had been overruled.”

Morton went ahead with the relationship. It turns out that his brain was right. He told us, “Yep! Lesson learned. This relationship was a complete disaster. My heart and my junk are bad judges. I should have listened to my brain, even if it was in the minority.”

Morton concluded, “I probably should have read more than the headline of the article. It turns out it is about Internal Family Systems and not body parts.”

The article that inspired this story:

https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2024/10/25/nx-s1-5055753/parts-work-therapy-internal-family-systems-anxiety

A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text of the profile itself. When we asked, he laughed, and said, “Who reads those, anyway?”

The man and the “woman” totally hit it off in chat, and planned for a date. That’s when he had the surprise of his life. “I got to the coffee shop and looked around. I asked the staff whether my date was there, and they pointed to a solitary motorcycle parked by a table. I said ‘Haha. Where is she?’, but they were serious.”

The man explained that the motorcycle was indeed in all the pictures. “I figured she was just a real motorhead. I did not realize that the motorcycle was the one I’d date.” When we asked, the motorcycle said, “It was clear in the text of the dating profile that I was the one who put it up. That woman is just a friend who happened to be in all my pictures.”

Unfortunately, the motorcycle told us that the date turned sour when the man asked for the friend’s number. Upon leaving, the motorcycle spun some mud onto the man’s face.

Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we don’t know the gender of B.

A: Our date was nice. Say, I’d like to pursue something between the two of us.

[Two weeks of silence go by.]

B: Sorry, I did not mean to ghost you. I don’t think you and I are on the same page. The date was nice but I don’t wish to pursue anything with you.

A: Okay. No problem.

B: What?

A: I don’t have a problem with you not wanting a relationship.

B: Wait a damn minute! I am an extraordinary human being! You should be begging me for a relationship. What kind of man are you?

A: I’m not a man. I’m an enby. I don’t know if it is due to the fact that I’m nonbinary or autistic, or what, but I don’t have a competitive bone in my body, and I don’t force people into things. If you don’t want a relationship with me, then so be it. I wish you good luck in your search.

B: Good luck?! You think I’m going to need luck? You think I’m so fugly that I’m going to need luck? WTF!

[A blocked B.]

The person we called B went to the police claiming harassment, mainly because of the “good luck” wish. We issued a FOIA request to get the transcript from the police records. The police issued this statement: “Someone who does not pitch a fit when you break up with them is not harassing you. Just get on with your life! Okay?”

We cannot prove this, but we strongly suspect that B was neurotypical because of their reaction to “good luck.”

Daniel felt lonely. He figured he would fix his loneliness by finding himself a companion. So he installed a dating app on his phone, and immediately got to task writing a profile. He says, “I decided to write that I was just looking for what’s out there. You know. I wanted to sound cool, and not like a desperate schmuck… Oh, shit! Did I say that last part out loud? Please cut it off.”

Daniel the desperate schmuck soon got hits on his new profile. “My first like was from a zombie. I passed on it. Those mofos are fugly!” Then he got a parade of ghosts, but, he explains, “I passed on them too, because I’m not looking to get ghosted by anyone.”

Not defeated, Daniel the desperate schmuck eventually matched with a facehugger. They went out a few times, but eventually things turned sour between them. Daniel told us, “The facehugger was hypersexual. It kept wanting to fuck my face, but I was having none of it.” So they broke up.

Enter a guy called Mike. “When I saw Mike’s profile, I was immediately hooked. Our initial chat was fabulous. We decided to go out, and we hit it off immediately.” Daniel the desperate schmuck showed us a picture of Mike. When we remarked that he looks like the spitting image of Michael Myers, he replied, “Now that you say it, yes… He looks like him, but I’m not going to kill this relationship over mere resemblance.”

We tried to contact Daniel the desperate schmuck for an update on his relationship with Mike for this story, but we never got a call back.

When Beth joined a dating app to find love, she knew one thing for sure: she wants to have fun. Consequently, she listed “fun” as one of her desires in the list of desires that the app provides in users’ profiles. “Who wants drudgery? Am I right?”, she asks, laughing.

Beth saw a lot of profiles from folks who did not list fun in their desires. “It’s been a bit of a challenge to find someone who also wants fun,” Beth explains. “A lot of people want ‘friendship’ or ‘threesomes’ but when have these ever been fun? Friendship just sounds like hard work to me.”

Enter Jim. When Beth saw his profile, she knew she had found the man of her dreams. He also listed “fun” in his desires, in addition to “nice ass”. Thus began a whirlwind romance. “I agree with Beth,” Jim says, “I also don’t want drudgery in my life, and I adore her ass.”

However, the honeymoon phase ended quickly. “Beth wanted to go to concert after concert,” says Jim, “but I’m sensitive to loud noises, and couldn’t handle it. It was drudgery for me, despite Beth’s adorable ass.”

“Jim’s notion of ‘fun’ is to do taxes,” Beth countered. “I probably should have seen this coming, seeing as he has a serious case of accountant face. Not even my ass could save this relationship from his face.”

Has your experience on the dating apps been positive, or negative? What constitutes “fun” to you? Let us know!