Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Oh? Give me the good news first.

Doctor: You’re alive.

Patient: Thank you for informing me of this fact. Give me the bad news.

Doctor: The bad news is that what brought you here is not covered by your insurance.

Patient: What?

Doctor: Yes, you see, choking in a bagel is just not covered.

Patient: That cannot be true!

Doctor: I’m afraid it is.

Patient: Why are you afraid? You‘re not the one being told that his insurance won’t cover his expenses.

Doctor: See here on page 19393 of your contract? What does it say?

Patient: Choking… Choking on bagels not covered.

Doctor: If you had choked on a chicken bone or bubble gum, you’d be covered. However, since you choked on a bagel you are not.

Patient: How much is it going to cost me?

Doctor: I’d say that it will cost you up to the shirt on your back.

Patient: Oh, just my shirt. That’s not so bad.

Doctor: I said “up to.” First, will siphon your accounts dry. Nurse!!

Nurse: Yes, doctor?

Doctor: Bring the “suck your accounts dry” syringe.

Nurse: Alright.

Doctor: We need to wait for…

Patient: I heard you.

Doctor: Dum dudum dududum…

Patient: Why are you humming?

Doctor: The writer did not write anything for me to do or say right now.

Patient: Ah.

Nurse: [Coming in with a huge transparent syringe.] There you go.

Doctor: Let’s turn this on. [Turns the syringe on.] You see all that money flying in the syringe? That’s your account being sucked dry.

Patient: The money was already in the syringe before you started. You’re not fooling me.

Doctor: That’s for dramatic effect. Look at your balance.

Patient: Drats! Zero dollars.

Doctor: We saved you from certain death, you should be thankful.

Patient: Yeah, but how will I survive the next few months without any money.

Doctor: Not our problem.

Patient: My anxiety!!! I have generalized anxiety disorder, you know…

Doctor: Nurse! Bring some anxiolytic for our patient!

Patient: I don’t have money to pay for it.

Doctor: It’s on the house.

Nurse: There you go.

Doctor: Come to think of it. I’d like some too, and, you can take some too if you want, nurse.

Nurse: I already took mine.