“Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.”

“Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.”

“No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.”

“Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.”

“Alright, it’s metaphorically, not meteorically, but let’s forget the cockroaches.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. You’ve painted quite the picture.”

“Okay, I’ll put away brushes, paint, and easel now.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll give it to you straight. You’ve got cancer.”

“Okay. I don’t know where you were going with your cockroach metaphor. At any rate, that’s a relief.”

“It is quite serious. Why do you call it a relief?”

“I thought you’d say I have explosive diarrhea.”

“No, but judging by the trail of shit behind me… that’s what I have.”

“Hahaha!”

“I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you. With the chemo you’re about to get, you’ll get a good idea of the explosive diarrhea experience. Hahaha!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #cockroaches #shit #ExplosiveDiarrhea #cancer

“Yes, I love that song.”

“Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?”

“Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.”

“Dammit!”

“But they did hear the song.”

“YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!”

“Why?”

“Scallywag! I OWN the rights to that song.”

“Oh, you wrote the song, or made the music?”

“Now, don’t be silly. I did none of this. I just, you know, own the RIGHTS.”

“Ah.”

“I’m picking copyright law as my WEAPON. What WEAPON do you choose?”

“Er… common sense?”

“Drats!”

“What?”

“You win. I cannot do anything against COMMON SENSE.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #music

“It was Bring Family To Work Day. So I met a bunch of new people.”

“How did it go?”

“Well, the first person I met was crying all the time.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, we tried to cheer him up. We tried giving him food and drinks, doing a puppet show. Nothing worked.”

“A puppet show, eh?”

“Yeah. Then the second person I met regurgitated all over me.”

“Wow. Do you know what was wrong with this individual?”

“No. That’s just something that new people are liable to do.”

“Er… I’m not sure what this has to do with being a new person, but okay…”

“Then, the third new person I met was a complete stinker.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her diaper was full.”

“How did you know she was wearing a diaper? She could just have shat herself.”

“That full diaper was visible for everyone to see.”

“What?! What full-grown adult would go around the office with their diaper visible for all to see.”

“Who said it was a full-grown adult? I was talking about *new* people. People that are new to this world.”

“…”

“In other words, babies.”

“That does not make sense. New people means people *you* did not know beforehand.”

“Oh? Let’s see. If I say ‘I saw a bunch of old people at the grocery store.’ what do you understand?”

“I understand that there were people of advanced age at the grocery store.”

“Right. You do *not* understand that there were people I already knew there.”

“So?”

“Consequently, when I talk about *new* people, I’m talking about people who were born recently. Babies. Ergo ipso facto.”

“Semper ubi sub ubi!”

“What?”

“Oh, I thought we had switched to Latin.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #NewPeople #babies

“aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…”

“That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age. What advice do you have for the younger folks out there?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“…”

“Well, this was the interv… I mean… the funeral of a 350-year-old fly. Stay tuned for the news.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #interview #flies #funeral

“Any special instructions?”

“No hamsters.”

“Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.”

[Later.]

“Here is your burger.”

“Excellent! Wait. What’s this?”

“Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.”

“I said no hamsters!”

“Yes, and this is not a hamster. This is a gerbil. If you did not want a gerbil, you should have said ‘no gerbils.'”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #restaurant

“I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.”

“That will be five pounds.”

“I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!”

“Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds, please.”

“Alright, here are your five pounds”

“Excellent! Take a seat.”

“May I take this one?”

“Yes… What are you doing picking that seat up?”

“You told me to take a seat, so I am taking a seat.”

“Put that seat down and sit down, you oaf!”

“Alright, alright! No need to get angry, old woman!”

“Old? I’m only 35, you know.”

“Yeah, well I’m 15 so…”

“At any rate, I’m going to read you now.”

“Okay.”

“Hmm… I see… something.”

“What do you see?”

“You… you masturbate… a lot.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I see what I see, young man!”

“Anyway, what can you tell me about my future?”

“Give me a second… I see something else. You will be betrayed.”

“I knew it! It is my second in command, isn’t it? That bastard is going to betray me to the enemy.”

“No… not him… you will be betrayed… by your farts!”

“My farts? How so?”

“While hiding in the bushes, you will fart. The enemy will hear it, and kill you.”

“You must be seeing wrong. I do not fart. [Fart noise.]”

“Oh, what was that noise?”

“A frog… that was a frog.”

“Sure it was. Anyhow, this future can be averted.”

“Averted? How?”

“That will be another five pounds.”

“Listen, old woman, I am on a very important mission.”

“Five pounds!”

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Now will you tell me how to avert this future?”

“Don’t eat beans.”

“Don’t eat beans? That’s it?”

“Yes. It will rob your gut from the fuel it needs to produce farts.”

“Well, then I shall eat cauliflower.”

“Great! And stop masturbating. You’re going to get hairy palms.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #knights #masturbation #farts

“You still look human to me.”

“That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.”

“So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“So what have we here?”

“It’s an abduction case.”

“How do you figure?”

“Do you see a victim?”

“No.”

“There you go! The victim was abducted.”

“There’s a question I’ve gotta ask.”

“Shoot!” [Gun fire.] “What the hell are you doing???”

“You said shoot, so I’m shooting.”

“I meant ask me your question, and put that gun away.”

“Alright. What’s up with the pile of dead dogs over there?”

“I called the K9 Unit. These are cadaver dogs here to help in the search.”

“Did they turn up anything?”

“Not yet. We’ve given them the victim’s clothes to sniff, but so far no reaction on their part.”

“That’s a bit vexing. What’s the name of the leader?”

“Rex.”

“Come here, Rex. I’ve got a treat for you!”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, tough crowd.”

“We’ve got to give it time. They haven’t been at it long.”

“Oh, they’re recent graduates of the cadaver dog academy, I take it?”

“Yes, a freshly minted batch of cadaver dogs. Top of their class too. They are excellent at playing the role of cadavers.”

“Well, if those dogs find something, please let me know.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #dogs

“Am I good to go, doctor?”

“No yet. I must ask you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Okay.”

At the ophthalmologist:

“We’re almost done. I just need you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Hmm, unexpected but… okay.”

At the grocery store:

“Please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“You bought cheese. Our cheese comes with a complimentary prostate exam.”

“What if I say no?”

“Well, then no cheese for you.”

“Hmm… alright then…”

At the bank:

“Hands up! This is a hold up.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, now please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Our hold-ups come with a free prostate exam.”

“Wait a second. I’ve been checked by my primary care physician, my ophthalmologist, and my grocer. My prostate is fine.”

“Well, I guess my father was right.”

“How so?”

“He kept telling me that I’ll never make it as a doctor. That’s why I rob banks as my main job, but I was trying to keep the dream alive. You know, by doing prostate exams on the side.”

“Oh, well… alright then, you can do your exam.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you! Hear that father???”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #prostate

“Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.”

“No, I was talking to my lawyer.”

“Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?”

“I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #pizza

“That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.”

“What have we here?”

“By the looks of it, an abduction.”

“Ah. You know what they say, right?”

“No, what do they say?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you* would know. Anyhow, is that the victim’s underwear, on the floor?”

“Yes. Judging by the content of the toilet, she was abducted by aliens in mid-shit.”

“How do you figure?”

“Look at the floaters, and there is no toilet paper in the bowl.”

“No, I mean, how do you figure it was aliens?”

“Look at what they left behind.”

“That’s alien alright. I can’t read the writing.”

“You’re looking at my notepad. Look at this, here.”

“The latest issue of Aliens Abducting Women Mid-Shit. It’s a bit on the nose, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I’ll show you. [Holds mirror.] See that booger on your nose?”

“You’re right. It is right on my nose. Thanks for the heads-up. I’m going to have to go see my dermatologist before it multiplies.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

“How do you figure?”

“It looks too young. Probably does not know multiplication yet.”

“Hang on. I’ve got to take this call. [Picks up phone.] Yes. Yes. It was an abduction. Yes. [Hangs up.]”

“You were on the phone with the coroner, I take it.”

“No, I was ordering a pizza from the flower shop.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #aliens #AlienAbduction