The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work.

Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy, but it turns out that the problem is more complex. I’m a bit ashamed now to admit that it wasn’t laziness, but something deeper.”

We caught up with Martin Thompson, an electrician, while he was diagnosing one of those broken machines. When asked about the issue, Thompson explained, “As you can see here on my oscilloscope, the power going to the nozzle has flat lined. This means that the machine is suffering from acute depression.”

We asked Thompson what the solution would be. “In this case, the depression is quite treatable. This machine should be given lexapro, and be entertained by clowns on a daily basis. In a few weeks, it should be back to its old self, ready to serve ice cream.”

We talked to other people involved in the repair of commercial machines, and they all reported finding in the broken machines cases of anxiety, depression, and OCD. In some cases, like those of autism, or ADHD, it seems the condition existed from birth and just recently became manifest.

We asked Thompson, who explained, “Yes, it seems that some machines were born neurodivergent. We cannot cure them, but we can care for them the best we can.”

The article that inspired this satire:

https://www.theverge.com/2024/10/25/24279371/mcdonalds-ice-cream-machines-right-to-repair-copyright