The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars.

She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion can buy InfoWars, then absolutely anything is possible.” We were surprised at her declaration that absolutely anything would be possible, so we asked her for specific cases.

If anything is possible, would it be possible for The Daily Isotope to win a Pulitzer Prize? She replied, “Yes, that’s possible.” We found this thought comforting.

If anything is possible, could she grow wings to fly to the moon? She replied, “Yes, growing wings is not an easy feat, and I’d need to also grow a jet engine for space, but it would be possible.” When we asked her to demonstrate, she refused and replied, “I said it would be possible, not probable!”

She was interrupted by a phone call during our interview. After hanging up, she turned to us and announce, “This was an interesting call. Apparently, there are a bunch of monkeys who are on the verge of having reproduced the complete works of Shakespeare.”

The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US.

James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The absolute worst was Pleasantville, New York. What put it over the edge was the rank odor that emanates from it. That’s a characteristic shared by no other small city in the US. Sure, New York, New York smells worse, but it is not a small city.”

As we were interviewing Johnson, one of our assistants reported to us that they missed surveying a small town in Missouri known for its garish looks. One of its residents had died overnight, and this had pulled the city into the small city category. When we informed him, Johnson replied, “Shit… we may have to redo the study then. Who is to say that smell matters more than looks when it comes to deciding whether a city is good or not?”

We bought the problem to the attention of Alice Ford, professor of Philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania. She launched into a long tirade about the relative philosophical virtues of aesthetics, auditory comfort, and economics. In the end, she declared that “all opinions are valid,” and jumped out a window.