A man, MrTorso, proved to a scammer, BigTits339, that he isn’t gay by agreeing to pay for a new laptop. The Daily Isotope was provided with a transcript of the exchange between BigTits339 and MrTorso.

BigTits339: Let’s video chat. I wanna show you something.

MrTorso: Alright.

[MrTorso connects with BigTits339 through video chat.]

MrTorso: I can’t hear you.

BigTits339: Oh, the mic is busted.

MrTorso: I also don’t think you can hear me.

BigTits339: That’s because the speaker is also busted. I really need a new laptop. Maybe you can give me $1000 for a new one.

MrTorso: Wait… there’s a banner that showed up in your video saying that it was uploaded to a porn site. This is not even you! You’re just trying to scam me.

[MrTorso disconnects from video chat.]

BigTits339: I just need to replace my laptop.

MrTorso: No way! You’re a scammer.

BigTits339: Rejecting a beautiful woman like me! Are you gay?

MrTorso: I’m not gay!

BigTits339: Prove it!

MrTorso: I’ll send you $1000 right now! What’s the account?

BigTits339: Okay, the Bitcoin account is [redacted]. Prove to me that you are not gay!

[A little later.]

MrTorso: There! You’ve got your money! I’ve proven that I’m not gay.

BigTits339: True. You’re a straight dunce.

[BigTits339 disconnects.]

An idiot politician took to the campaign trail on Monday to promise that he will “fix the schools” by “prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines.” When asked about the move, he explained, “Schools spend all their time producing perpetual motion machines rather than indoctrinating our children in Republican ideology. It happens, you know! I’d like this to stop.”

We contacted the schools. They issued this statement. “We do not know what this presidential candidate is talking about. We do not spend any time producing perpetual motion machines, as this would violate the first and second laws of thermodynamics. In other words, perpetual motion machines are impossible.”

We asked the idiot politician for evidence. He told us, “Chinese hackers will have the evidence for you tomorrow.” The next day came, and we still do not have the evidence in hand. When we asked for the promise evidence, the politician said, “The Democrats are hiding it!”

Coincidentally, the politician launched a new product line of “machines guaranteed to work forever.” He sells them at $3493434340 a piece.

Inspired by this shitty story.