The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us!

Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at the University of Bomba Minor, for comments. She explains, “You idiots got it all wrong. There aren’t any zombie squirrels. It is just that, against all expectations, they’ve found that squirrel are opportunistic omnivores.”

The Daily Isotope, out of an abundance of caution, recommends that its readers stock up on necessities and hunker down in their homes. Even if Bixby thinks we’re unnecessarily panicking, we can never be too cautious about zombie squirrels.

When we asked Bixby for her advice countering the zombie squirrels, she rolled her eyes, and ended the videoconference.

The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.”

She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as to its nature. Explosive diarrhea also stinks. Second, the healthcare system also operates in surprising ways, much like explosive diarrhea. You are surprised when you are hospitalized, and they send you reams of EOBs through the mail, in pretty much the same way you are surprised when your rear end starts gushing uncontrollably.”

When we asked for more details, she added, “Also, just as explosive diarrhea can ruin your life, so can the US healthcare system do the same. In the case of explosive diarrhea, the effect is temporary, however.”

While researching this article, we found people arguing that the US healthcare system is akin to a turd. We put it to Stein, who told us, “No, a turd is a poor model. You need to account for Schrödinger’s turdity wave. Much too complex a model.”

Schrödinger’s toilet experiments and the turdity wave are detailed here:

Updated the protagonist’s name to avoid accidentally referring to someone famous.