Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts.

Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum 3.

Doohickey: Aye, aye, captain.

Captain Eurgh: What? Where’s the aye-aye?

Science Office Four Eye: Captain, there is no aye-aye. Doohickey was simply answering affirmatively.

Captain Eurgh: I see.

Narrator: The Habeas Corpus, the jewel of the fleet. Captain Eurgh is her commander, and Ancy DeLaTroi, the pansexual, is his right hand.

DeLaTroi: Why do you always do this?

Narrator: Do what?

DeLaTroi: Why refer to my sexuality? I’m an engineer. I was at the Battle of Xorth for crying out loud. My sexuality is the least interesting bit about me.

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: You called me?

Narrator: No, I was just clearing my throat.

Captain Eurgh: Dammit.

DeLaTroi: You don’t refer to Captain Eurgh as Eurgh, the straight, do you?

Four Eye: First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual, there is a message for you.

DeLaTroi: [To the narrator:] See! That shit is spreading! [To Four Eye:] What’s the message?

Four Eye: Remember to buy milk on your way home.

DeLaTroi: Here I am, First Officer of the Habeas Corpus, Veteran of the Battle of Xorth, being reminded to buy milk… You know what that makes me, don’t you?

Narrator: Pansexual??

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Captain Eurgh: Aha! You called, right?

DeLaTroi: No, said Argh, not Eurgh.

Captain Eurgh: Awww….

Ensign Argh: What do you need?

DeLaTroi: The officers’ toilet is clogged. Go deal with it.

Ensign Argh: Aye, aye, First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual.

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Ensign Argh: Yes?

DeLaTroi: No, I was just expressing frustration.

Ensign Argh: I can unclog the toilet, but you know what it means, right? I’m going to die while doing it, because I’m a red shirt.

DeLaTroi: Well, this is a cross we will all have to bear.

Narrator: Thus ends this episode of Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus. Will DeLaTroi, the panse…

DeLaTroi: This shit again!

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: What?

The Daily Isotope was able to obtain a partial draft of the script of the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration. We publish here what we obtained.

La Forge: Captain, the enemy ship is about to fire on us.

Picard: Raise shields.

Worf: Sir, this will require more power than we can spend right now.

Picard: Divert power from the toilets.

Worf: The toilets? But…

Picard: I know very well that shit will back up into the ship, but we have no other choice.

Worf: Aye, aye, Captain! Diverting power from the toilets.

O’Brien [Through a communicator:] What are you doing up there? I was shitting!

Riker: [Testily:] The captain is keeping you alive so that you can shit another day.

O’Brien: Oh. Fair enough. O’Brien out.

[Hours later.]

Picard: Worf, status report.

Worf: The enemy has retreated. The ship is still intact, but all the decks are now enshittified.

Riker: Well, that explains the smell.

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

Troy: Worf, I find your stubbornness so alluring.

Worf: Among Klingons, such declaration amounts to a marriage proposal.

Troy: This is it, then. We are married. Let’s make a baby.

Worf: This does not seem advisable.

Troy: But I want it.

Worf: Among Klingons, mating involves spanking each other.

Troy: Spank me, Worf!

Worf: Very well. I am indeed stubborn, but your desire for a spanking convinced me that we should mate.

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

Dr. Crusher: Congratulations on your beautiful baby.

Troy: A baby would seriously eat into my ability to be on deck. What should I do?

Dr. Crusher: Don’t worry. I’m about to hit the reset button and that baby of yours will disappear. You will have never been married to Worf.

Troy: Must you?

Dr. Crusher: Yes, I must. Thus, have the writers decreed.

Riker: [Popping out from behind the couch:] Well, that explains the smell.

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha…