“No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.”

“Oh, but the sign on the door says…”

“I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.”

“Ah. Well, I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Hmm… no, I wouldn’t *like* to submit it. ‘Like’ is the wrong word. I would be displeased to submit… That does not sound quite right either.”

“You want to submit a formal complaint, right?”

“That’s it.”

“What is it about?”

“Your boxes of cereal claim that there is a surprise in every box.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I opened my box, looked for the surprise, and found a turd.”

“Go on.”

“And it wasn’t just a turd, it was a third of turd.”

“A turd of a turd? I find that hard to believe. Our turds do not produce other turds.”

“No, not a turd of a turd. A third of a turd. How shall I put it? One over three of a turd.”

“Oh, a third of a turd. Would you have liked a whole turd?”

“We’re going astray here. What kind of a surprise is a turd?”

“Well, were you surprised?”

“Sure. I expected something like a toy, or some knick-knack.”

“Okay, so the writing on the box is truthful. There was a surprise in your box.”

“That’s your stance?”

“Yes, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“I see.”

“This is the wrong department for such activity. You want the Department of Making Mountains Out of Molehills, next door.”

“[Picks up phone and dials.]”

“Who are you calling?”

“The Department of Farcical Situations.”

“Why?”

“To report this situation!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #turd

The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.”

She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as to its nature. Explosive diarrhea also stinks. Second, the healthcare system also operates in surprising ways, much like explosive diarrhea. You are surprised when you are hospitalized, and they send you reams of EOBs through the mail, in pretty much the same way you are surprised when your rear end starts gushing uncontrollably.”

When we asked for more details, she added, “Also, just as explosive diarrhea can ruin your life, so can the US healthcare system do the same. In the case of explosive diarrhea, the effect is temporary, however.”

While researching this article, we found people arguing that the US healthcare system is akin to a turd. We put it to Stein, who told us, “No, a turd is a poor model. You need to account for Schrödinger’s turdity wave. Much too complex a model.”

Schrödinger’s toilet experiments and the turdity wave are detailed here:

Updated the protagonist’s name to avoid accidentally referring to someone famous.