The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency.

Customer: Hi.

Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…]

C: [Confirms name, etc.]

CSR: What can I help you with?

C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but your site says I’m ineligible.

CSR: That’s correct.

C: But it makes no sense. They are going to cut my current coverage soon. I should be able to buy new coverage.

CSR: Can you take notes?

C: Yes.

CSR: You cannot purchase coverage because you are still currently co…

C: This does not make sense!

CSR: Sir, let me finish. The script I’m following is super important. I must finish what I started telling you.

C: Or what? The universe is going to explode?

CSR: I am offended by your insinuation.

C: Alright, go on.

CSR: Because you are still currently covered. You need to go to [this website] or call [this number].

C: But it does not make sense!

CSR: Yes, it does.

C: Why should I have to talk to a different agency? You are responsible for healthcare in my state. It does not make sense.

CSR: It does!

C: How so?

CSR: It makes total sense… if you are squirrel.

C: What?

CSR: You just have to look at it from the perspective of a squirrel. They do not stash their nuts all into the same hole, do they?

C: No, but this has nothing to do with my situation.

CSR: It does.

C: How come?

CSR: Just like a squirrel spreads his food among multiple hole, we’ve decided to spread resources among multiple agencies.

C: Anyway. What do I do with the information you gave me?

CSR: You’re going to have to make an application for financial help at that website or phone number.

C: What? I know I’m not eligible for financial help. I’m going to have to apply just so that they can reject me before I can purchase coverage.

CSR: How would I know?

C: But you’ve just told me…

CSR: I don’t know. I don’t work there.

C: Good grief! None of this makes any sense!

CSR: Actually…

C: What? I must look at it from the point of view of a squirrel again?

CSR: No, you need a lobotomy for what I’ve just told you to make sense.

This story was inspired by an actual discussion between a customer and a customer service representative.

The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.”

She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as to its nature. Explosive diarrhea also stinks. Second, the healthcare system also operates in surprising ways, much like explosive diarrhea. You are surprised when you are hospitalized, and they send you reams of EOBs through the mail, in pretty much the same way you are surprised when your rear end starts gushing uncontrollably.”

When we asked for more details, she added, “Also, just as explosive diarrhea can ruin your life, so can the US healthcare system do the same. In the case of explosive diarrhea, the effect is temporary, however.”

While researching this article, we found people arguing that the US healthcare system is akin to a turd. We put it to Stein, who told us, “No, a turd is a poor model. You need to account for Schrödinger’s turdity wave. Much too complex a model.”

Schrödinger’s toilet experiments and the turdity wave are detailed here:

Updated the protagonist’s name to avoid accidentally referring to someone famous.