The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us!

Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at the University of Bomba Minor, for comments. She explains, “You idiots got it all wrong. There aren’t any zombie squirrels. It is just that, against all expectations, they’ve found that squirrel are opportunistic omnivores.”

The Daily Isotope, out of an abundance of caution, recommends that its readers stock up on necessities and hunker down in their homes. Even if Bixby thinks we’re unnecessarily panicking, we can never be too cautious about zombie squirrels.

When we asked Bixby for her advice countering the zombie squirrels, she rolled her eyes, and ended the videoconference.