The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Three Little Farts
“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?” “Yes, I love that song.” “Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?” “Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.” “Dammit!” “But they did hear the song.” “YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!” “Why?” “Scallywag! I OWN…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Three Little Farts
“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?” “Yes, I love that song.” “Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?” “Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.” “Dammit!” “But they did hear the song.” “YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!” “Why?” “Scallywag! I OWN…
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New people
“How was work today?” “It was Bring Family To Work Day. So I met a bunch of new people.” “How did it go?” “Well, the first person I met was crying all the time.” “Wow.” “Yeah, we tried to cheer him up. We tried giving him food and drinks, doing a puppet show. Nothing worked.”…
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A 350-year-old fly
“Tonight, folks, we have a special treat. We’re going to do an interview with a 350-year-old fly. It is really a great privilege to have you here tonight, fly. Please tell me, how do you feel?” “aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…” “That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age.…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Communication company hires baby for CEO
When the old CEO of Antennas Inc retired, their board tasked the head of HR, Annie Smith, to find a new person to take on the vacated position. Little did they realize what they had asked for. Smith explains, “They told me that since the old CEO was retiring, we need new blood and a…
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder. Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
Random Articles:
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Engineer shows he has no self-esteem by applying 300 times to Tesla
Bob Minge is an engineer with big dreams. He wants to work for Tesla. Minge explains, “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this dream of working my ass off for no benefits. You know. The American dream kinda thing. When I graduated, I realized that Tesla would be the perfect place for…
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The K9 Unit
“I came as fast as I could. I was in the middle of being turned into a newt when central called.” “You still look human to me.” “That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.” “So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”…
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The cat burglar
“I was kissing a cow when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “I see. That explains the smell.” “What smell?” “You smell like a cow.” “Oh. That’s not the cow.” “What is it, then?” “My deodorant.” “What fragrance are you using that smells so bad?” “Barnyard Animal. Why?” “It figures.” “Anyway, what…
Older Articles:
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Three Little Farts
“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?” “Yes, I love that song.” “Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?” “Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.” “Dammit!” “But they did hear the song.” “YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!” “Why?” “Scallywag! I OWN…
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New people
“How was work today?” “It was Bring Family To Work Day. So I met a bunch of new people.” “How did it go?” “Well, the first person I met was crying all the time.” “Wow.” “Yeah, we tried to cheer him up. We tried giving him food and drinks, doing a puppet show. Nothing worked.”…
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A 350-year-old fly
“Tonight, folks, we have a special treat. We’re going to do an interview with a 350-year-old fly. It is really a great privilege to have you here tonight, fly. Please tell me, how do you feel?” “aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…” “That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age.…
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No hamsters
“I’d like to order a burger.” “Any special instructions?” “No hamsters.” “Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.” [Later.] “Here is your burger.” “Excellent! Wait. What’s this?” “Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.” “I said no hamsters!” “Yes, and this is not a hamster.…
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The Seer and The Knight
“What can I do for you, young man?” “I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.” “That will be five pounds.” “I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!” “Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds,…
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The K9 Unit
“I came as fast as I could. I was in the middle of being turned into a newt when central called.” “You still look human to me.” “That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.” “So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”…
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Prostate Exams
At the primary care physician’s office: “Am I good to go, doctor?” “No yet. I must ask you to drop your pants.” “Why?” “Prostate exam.” “Okay.” At the ophthalmologist: “We’re almost done. I just need you to drop your pants.” “Why?” “Prostate exam.” “Hmm, unexpected but… okay.” At the grocery store: “Please drop your pants.”…
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
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The alien abduction
“I came as fast as I could. I was curling my hair when central called.” “That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.” “What have we here?” “By the looks of it, an abduction.” “Ah. You know what they say, right?” “No, what do they say?” “Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you*…
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The Alfredo sauce tastes funny…
“Oh, waiter!” “Yes.” “I’m not satisfied with this Alfredo sauce.” “Oh. Let me taste it. […] It tastes like perfectly fine Alfredo sauce to me.” “It does? To me this tastes like my husband.” “Your husband?” “Yes, husband. I mean I do like the taste of my husband, but Alfredo sauce should not taste like…