Daniel felt lonely. He figured he would fix his loneliness by finding himself a companion. So he installed a dating app on his phone, and immediately got to task writing a profile. He says, “I decided to write that I was just looking for what’s out there. You know. I wanted to sound cool, and not like a desperate schmuck… Oh, shit! Did I say that last part out loud? Please cut it off.”

Daniel the desperate schmuck soon got hits on his new profile. “My first like was from a zombie. I passed on it. Those mofos are fugly!” Then he got a parade of ghosts, but, he explains, “I passed on them too, because I’m not looking to get ghosted by anyone.”

Not defeated, Daniel the desperate schmuck eventually matched with a facehugger. They went out a few times, but eventually things turned sour between them. Daniel told us, “The facehugger was hypersexual. It kept wanting to fuck my face, but I was having none of it.” So they broke up.

Enter a guy called Mike. “When I saw Mike’s profile, I was immediately hooked. Our initial chat was fabulous. We decided to go out, and we hit it off immediately.” Daniel the desperate schmuck showed us a picture of Mike. When we remarked that he looks like the spitting image of Michael Myers, he replied, “Now that you say it, yes… He looks like him, but I’m not going to kill this relationship over mere resemblance.”

We tried to contact Daniel the desperate schmuck for an update on his relationship with Mike for this story, but we never got a call back.