The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars.

She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion can buy InfoWars, then absolutely anything is possible.” We were surprised at her declaration that absolutely anything would be possible, so we asked her for specific cases.

If anything is possible, would it be possible for The Daily Isotope to win a Pulitzer Prize? She replied, “Yes, that’s possible.” We found this thought comforting.

If anything is possible, could she grow wings to fly to the moon? She replied, “Yes, growing wings is not an easy feat, and I’d need to also grow a jet engine for space, but it would be possible.” When we asked her to demonstrate, she refused and replied, “I said it would be possible, not probable!”

She was interrupted by a phone call during our interview. After hanging up, she turned to us and announce, “This was an interesting call. Apparently, there are a bunch of monkeys who are on the verge of having reproduced the complete works of Shakespeare.”