The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.” “Frying air?” “Yes.” “How do you fry air?” “You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.” “I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.” “So…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
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New study finds the worst small city in the US
The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US. James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The…
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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Be careful when talking to your ‘parts’
Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.” He…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Boeing CEO experiences unscheduled disassembly in mid-speech
The CEO of Boeing, Kelly Ortberg, started giving his speech at Boeing’s Seattle Delivery Center in the usual manner. Soon, however, things took a turn for the strange. A member of the audience explains, “He was telling us how the product we sell is a reflection of ourselves. I did not realize how prophetic his…
Older Articles:
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder. Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed…
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Alaska has more people than previously thought
The Daily Isotope dispatched its intrepid team to Alaska to get to the bottom of the story. We talked to Lucy Gibbs, head of the state government’s department of statistics. Gibbs explains, “We first did a count the usual way, but we quickly realized that the number we obtained couldn’t have been right. So we…
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It’s Time to Treat Reading Like Working Out
Janet Jones is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to get people to treat reading like working out. She explains, “People will take the new year’s resolution to exercise, and then a few weeks later, they’ll forget about exercising. People should do the same with reading. They should take the resolution to read…
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Conditional gift giving, is it for you?
A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.” She continues, “The people receiving the gift…
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OMFG! Run! Zombie squirrels are coming for us!
The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us! Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at…