The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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No hamsters
“I’d like to order a burger.” “Any special instructions?” “No hamsters.” “Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.” [Later.] “Here is your burger.” “Excellent! Wait. What’s this?” “Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.” “I said no hamsters!” “Yes, and this is not a hamster.…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
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The Seer and The Knight
“What can I do for you, young man?” “I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.” “That will be five pounds.” “I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!” “Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds,…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
Random Articles:
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
Older Articles:
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The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in… The Adventures of Gobble Gobble! Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again! Mom: He did what, honey? Son: He…
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Gestapo Soup
“Here’s your soup, sir.” “Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.” “Oh?” “Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.” “What did you order?” “The Gestapo soup.” “This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.” “I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”…
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
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Healthcare in the US: it all makes sense if you’re a squirrel
The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency. Customer: Hi. Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…] C: [Confirms name, etc.] CSR: What can I help you with? C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but…
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
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Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, coming soon to a theater near you
The year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3. Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens…
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…