The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Combustible Liver
“Hi, Jim.” “Hi, Annie.” “Jim, I’d like to talk to you about an important topic.” “Right now? Can’t you see I’m milking a cow?” “Yes, but can’t you stop for a moment to allow me to deliver this important message.” “Alright. [To the cow:] Okay, Clover, we’re going to take five now.” [The cow moos…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
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Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system
The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.” She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as…
Random Articles:
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars. She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion…
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A 350-year-old fly
“Tonight, folks, we have a special treat. We’re going to do an interview with a 350-year-old fly. It is really a great privilege to have you here tonight, fly. Please tell me, how do you feel?” “aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…” “That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age.…
Older Articles:
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
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The alien abduction
“I came as fast as I could. I was curling my hair when central called.” “That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.” “What have we here?” “By the looks of it, an abduction.” “Ah. You know what they say, right?” “No, what do they say?” “Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you*…
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The Alfredo sauce tastes funny…
“Oh, waiter!” “Yes.” “I’m not satisfied with this Alfredo sauce.” “Oh. Let me taste it. […] It tastes like perfectly fine Alfredo sauce to me.” “It does? To me this tastes like my husband.” “Your husband?” “Yes, husband. I mean I do like the taste of my husband, but Alfredo sauce should not taste like…
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The cat burglar
“I was kissing a cow when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “I see. That explains the smell.” “What smell?” “You smell like a cow.” “Oh. That’s not the cow.” “What is it, then?” “My deodorant.” “What fragrance are you using that smells so bad?” “Barnyard Animal. Why?” “It figures.” “Anyway, what…
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The leading cause of death
“Good morning.” “Good morning, doctor.” “How are you doing?” “It’s probably best not to tarry. I’m parked in the metered zone. Give it to me straight, doctor. How much time do I have left?” “Let me get the right visual aid. Ah… yes. You see this display with the time ticking down?” “Yes.” “That’s the…
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Of tigers and krakens…
[Knock at door] “[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?” “Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.” “The tigers?” “Yes.” “I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.” “Here is our flier. Look at that list.” “Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”…
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He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.” “Frying air?” “Yes.” “How do you fry air?” “You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.” “I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.” “So…
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
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A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?” “No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.” “Oh, but the sign on the door says…” “I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.” “Ah. Well, I’d like to submit…
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Stupid Cancer
“Give it to me straight, doctor. What is it?” “Oh, it’s a stupid cancer.” “Cancer? Jeez… you sure gave it to me straight. What type is it?” “I’ve told you already. Stupid.” “Hey now, I may be a little slow but don’t call me stupid.” “You’re not understanding me. You have cancer of the stupid.”…