The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US.

James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The absolute worst was Pleasantville, New York. What put it over the edge was the rank odor that emanates from it. That’s a characteristic shared by no other small city in the US. Sure, New York, New York smells worse, but it is not a small city.”

As we were interviewing Johnson, one of our assistants reported to us that they missed surveying a small town in Missouri known for its garish looks. One of its residents had died overnight, and this had pulled the city into the small city category. When we informed him, Johnson replied, “Shit… we may have to redo the study then. Who is to say that smell matters more than looks when it comes to deciding whether a city is good or not?”

We bought the problem to the attention of Alice Ford, professor of Philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania. She launched into a long tirade about the relative philosophical virtues of aesthetics, auditory comfort, and economics. In the end, she declared that “all opinions are valid,” and jumped out a window.