The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Combustible Liver
“Hi, Jim.” “Hi, Annie.” “Jim, I’d like to talk to you about an important topic.” “Right now? Can’t you see I’m milking a cow?” “Yes, but can’t you stop for a moment to allow me to deliver this important message.” “Alright. [To the cow:] Okay, Clover, we’re going to take five now.” [The cow moos…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Quantum elections: man refuses to hear election results, for fear of “collapsing the wave”
Brad Singleton is a man on a mission. His mission is to stay away from any news source. He does this because he does not want to know who won the latest election. Singleton says, “They say that ignorance is bliss. I’m quite happy in my state of ignorance.” We pressed Singleton for his reasoning.…
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The Seer and The Knight
“What can I do for you, young man?” “I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.” “That will be five pounds.” “I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!” “Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds,…
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
Random Articles:
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
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Of tigers and krakens…
[Knock at door] “[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?” “Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.” “The tigers?” “Yes.” “I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.” “Here is our flier. Look at that list.” “Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”…
Older Articles:
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Ran out of ideas
“Say, what are you doing boarding up your shop?” “Oh, I used to sell ideas, but I ran out of them. So I’m closing shop, for good.” “What are you going to do?” “I hear there’s a farm upstate where all the writers who ran out of ideas are free to frolic all day.” “Hmm……
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Socially mandated love
“Hi!” “AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.” “Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.” “You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!” “But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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No funny business
“I was eating pasta when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “Oh, that explains the napkin you still have around your neck.” “Oops. Just a second. [Pulls on the napkin. There’s another napkin tied to it, and a third, and a fourth…] [Five minutes later, there’s a waist-high pile of napkins on…
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Taking care of one’s anus
Client: Hi! I’m looking for this drug. [Points to advertisement.] Pharmacist: Let me look. Ah, yes. You are looking for the medication called ANUSOL because you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS. C: Not so loud! P: Nancy, do we have ANUSOL in stock? This client here [points] needs it to TAKE CARE OF…
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Ban all the things!
A new episode of NCIS:STI, Special Transistorized Intelligence… (Stop giggling! We ran out of initialisms, ok?) “What can you tell me about the new case?” “The criminals used encryption.” “What is this encryption you’re talking about?” “It is a method whereby criminals generate a public key and a private key, and the keys…” “Whoa! That’s…
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The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in… The Adventures of Gobble Gobble! Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again! Mom: He did what, honey? Son: He…
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Gestapo Soup
“Here’s your soup, sir.” “Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.” “Oh?” “Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.” “What did you order?” “The Gestapo soup.” “This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.” “I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”…
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…