The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Fediverse Posts:
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Gestapo Soup
“Here’s your soup, sir.” “Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.” “Oh?” “Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.” “What did you order?” “The Gestapo soup.” “This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.” “I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”…
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system
The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.” She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as…
Random Articles:
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The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in… The Adventures of Gobble Gobble! Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again! Mom: He did what, honey? Son: He…
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Be careful when talking to your ‘parts’
Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.” He…
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Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, coming soon to a theater near you
The year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3. Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens…
Older Articles:
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
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I tried Apple’s Hearing Test and the results shocked me
I tried Apple’s Hearing Test, and I couldn’t believe the results I got. Who would have thought that I was experiencing the type of hearing loss average for people my age? Definitely not me. The first thing the test did was to prove to me that I could indeed hear. Wow! I would have never…
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Engineer shows he has no self-esteem by applying 300 times to Tesla
Bob Minge is an engineer with big dreams. He wants to work for Tesla. Minge explains, “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this dream of working my ass off for no benefits. You know. The American dream kinda thing. When I graduated, I realized that Tesla would be the perfect place for…
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
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New study finds the worst small city in the US
The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US. James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The…
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The 1 Thing Coffee Drinkers Should Never Do, According To A Dentist
A recent survey uncovered an alarming trend among coffee drinkers. It revealed that two thirds of coffee drinkers lick a live electrical outlet right after they drink their coffee. John Minston, a dentist from the National Common Sense Dentistry Institute, explains, “For some baffling reason, a lot of coffee drinkers like to lick a live…
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Be careful when talking to your ‘parts’
Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.” He…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…