The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Prostate Exams
At the primary care physician’s office: “Am I good to go, doctor?” “No yet. I must ask you to drop your pants.” “Why?” “Prostate exam.” “Okay.” At the ophthalmologist: “We’re almost done. I just need you to drop your pants.” “Why?” “Prostate exam.” “Hmm, unexpected but… okay.” At the grocery store: “Please drop your pants.”…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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Engineer shows he has no self-esteem by applying 300 times to Tesla
Bob Minge is an engineer with big dreams. He wants to work for Tesla. Minge explains, “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this dream of working my ass off for no benefits. You know. The American dream kinda thing. When I graduated, I realized that Tesla would be the perfect place for…
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
Random Articles:
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Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration
The Daily Isotope was able to obtain a partial draft of the script of the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration. We publish here what we obtained. La Forge: Captain, the enemy ship is about to fire on us. Picard: Raise shields. Worf: Sir, this will require more power…
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
Older Articles:
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
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Boeing CEO experiences unscheduled disassembly in mid-speech
The CEO of Boeing, Kelly Ortberg, started giving his speech at Boeing’s Seattle Delivery Center in the usual manner. Soon, however, things took a turn for the strange. A member of the audience explains, “He was telling us how the product we sell is a reflection of ourselves. I did not realize how prophetic his…
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Fartacue causes tears in the neighborhood
Bill Munson caused quite a commotion on the 3100 block of Start Street in Baskerville last Saturday when he decided to hold a Fartacue. “There I was on my porch,” Annie Mitchell, a neighbor of Munson, tells us, “I was chilling after a hard day of work when this smell came over. It was like…
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We will fix schools by prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines
An idiot politician took to the campaign trail on Monday to promise that he will “fix the schools” by “prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines.” When asked about the move, he explained, “Schools spend all their time producing perpetual motion machines rather than indoctrinating our children in Republican ideology. It happens, you know! I’d…
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YouTube creator criticizes himself for harsh working conditions
In the wake of the Mr. Beast controversy about harsh working conditions, a whistleblower came forth with revelations that the YouTube creator called Your Autistic Life has created a toxic work environment for his worker. He explains, “My boss keeps pushing me to work work work all the time. It is insane. He also makes…
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Dating: man “just looking for what’s out there” got more than he bargained for!
Daniel felt lonely. He figured he would fix his loneliness by finding himself a companion. So he installed a dating app on his phone, and immediately got to task writing a profile. He says, “I decided to write that I was just looking for what’s out there. You know. I wanted to sound cool, and…
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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Woman fixes marriage by divorcing and remarrying husband
Julie Wang is not a woman who easily accepts defeat. After years dealing with a dead bedroom, she had enough, and took a page from those Customer Service Representatives that she has to deal with regularly. Julie explains, “They keep recommending that I reset everything. Have you rebooted your laptop? Have you restarted your modem?…
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911: man using ‘literally’ figuratively causes commotion
Jim Strong caused quite a commotion when he called 911 last Saturday. Strong claims he was just trying to help his friend. “I was fearing for his life. What he was telling me made literally no sense, and I mean ‘literally’ literally,” Strong explains. Strong’s friend, Mike Johnson, apparently told Strong that his wife was…