The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
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The K9 Unit
“I came as fast as I could. I was in the middle of being turned into a newt when central called.” “You still look human to me.” “That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.” “So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
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A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?” “No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.” “Oh, but the sign on the door says…” “I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.” “Ah. Well, I’d like to submit…
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Stupid Cancer
“Give it to me straight, doctor. What is it?” “Oh, it’s a stupid cancer.” “Cancer? Jeez… you sure gave it to me straight. What type is it?” “I’ve told you already. Stupid.” “Hey now, I may be a little slow but don’t call me stupid.” “You’re not understanding me. You have cancer of the stupid.”…
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
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New study finds the worst small city in the US
The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US. James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The…
Random Articles:
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
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Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne
There is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music? James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
Older Articles:
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder. Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed…
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Alaska has more people than previously thought
The Daily Isotope dispatched its intrepid team to Alaska to get to the bottom of the story. We talked to Lucy Gibbs, head of the state government’s department of statistics. Gibbs explains, “We first did a count the usual way, but we quickly realized that the number we obtained couldn’t have been right. So we…
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It’s Time to Treat Reading Like Working Out
Janet Jones is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to get people to treat reading like working out. She explains, “People will take the new year’s resolution to exercise, and then a few weeks later, they’ll forget about exercising. People should do the same with reading. They should take the resolution to read…
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Conditional gift giving, is it for you?
A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.” She continues, “The people receiving the gift…
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OMFG! Run! Zombie squirrels are coming for us!
The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us! Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at…
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Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system
The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.” She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as…
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Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne
There is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music? James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits…
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Google Maps: the speed limit is five cauliflowers per hour
James Mims had a surprise when he went on a trip from the US to Canada and used Google Maps for navigation. The speed limit information provided by the app was more often wrong than right. He explains, “Even where I live, like right on my own street, Google Maps reports a speed limit of…