The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Combustible Liver
“Hi, Jim.” “Hi, Annie.” “Jim, I’d like to talk to you about an important topic.” “Right now? Can’t you see I’m milking a cow?” “Yes, but can’t you stop for a moment to allow me to deliver this important message.” “Alright. [To the cow:] Okay, Clover, we’re going to take five now.” [The cow moos…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Taking care of one’s anus
Client: Hi! I’m looking for this drug. [Points to advertisement.] Pharmacist: Let me look. Ah, yes. You are looking for the medication called ANUSOL because you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS. C: Not so loud! P: Nancy, do we have ANUSOL in stock? This client here [points] needs it to TAKE CARE OF…
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Ban all the things!
A new episode of NCIS:STI, Special Transistorized Intelligence… (Stop giggling! We ran out of initialisms, ok?) “What can you tell me about the new case?” “The criminals used encryption.” “What is this encryption you’re talking about?” “It is a method whereby criminals generate a public key and a private key, and the keys…” “Whoa! That’s…
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The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in… The Adventures of Gobble Gobble! Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again! Mom: He did what, honey? Son: He…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
Random Articles:
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder. Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
Older Articles:
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Automated calling assistant gets call from automated robocaller
The Daily Isotope has obtained the transcript of a conversation between an automated calling assistant and an automated robocaller. “Hi, I’m an automated calling assistant, recording this call for the person you’re trying to reach. May I ask what you’re calling about?” “Hi, I’m an automated robocaller. I’m calling about getting insurance with us.” “Hi,…
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
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I tried Apple’s Hearing Test and the results shocked me
I tried Apple’s Hearing Test, and I couldn’t believe the results I got. Who would have thought that I was experiencing the type of hearing loss average for people my age? Definitely not me. The first thing the test did was to prove to me that I could indeed hear. Wow! I would have never…
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Engineer shows he has no self-esteem by applying 300 times to Tesla
Bob Minge is an engineer with big dreams. He wants to work for Tesla. Minge explains, “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this dream of working my ass off for no benefits. You know. The American dream kinda thing. When I graduated, I realized that Tesla would be the perfect place for…
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
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New study finds the worst small city in the US
The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US. James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The…
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The 1 Thing Coffee Drinkers Should Never Do, According To A Dentist
A recent survey uncovered an alarming trend among coffee drinkers. It revealed that two thirds of coffee drinkers lick a live electrical outlet right after they drink their coffee. John Minston, a dentist from the National Common Sense Dentistry Institute, explains, “For some baffling reason, a lot of coffee drinkers like to lick a live…
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Be careful when talking to your ‘parts’
Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.” He…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…