The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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A Huge Cranium
“How, human, you shall bow before me, lest I get angry with you.” “And why should I do this?” “You see my huge cranium?” “Yes.” “My species has evolved this cranium to house a huge brain. We are much more intelligent than you are. Resistance is futile. Bow, now!” “I’m not convinced. I think, much…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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A Huge Cranium
“How, human, you shall bow before me, lest I get angry with you.” “And why should I do this?” “You see my huge cranium?” “Yes.” “My species has evolved this cranium to house a huge brain. We are much more intelligent than you are. Resistance is futile. Bow, now!” “I’m not convinced. I think, much…
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Combustible Liver
“Hi, Jim.” “Hi, Annie.” “Jim, I’d like to talk to you about an important topic.” “Right now? Can’t you see I’m milking a cow?” “Yes, but can’t you stop for a moment to allow me to deliver this important message.” “Alright. [To the cow:] Okay, Clover, we’re going to take five now.” [The cow moos…
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The Dark Lord
“I’m afraid we’re dealing with the actions of The Dark Lord.” “Never heard of that individual.” “Oh, The Dark Lord is known by many other names.” “Like what?” “The Lord of the Infernal Realms.” “The Lord of the Infernal Realms. I see.” “And The Master of Darkness.” “Oh, I’ve heard of this one. So The…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
Random Articles:
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OMFG! Run! Zombie squirrels are coming for us!
The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us! Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at…
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The leading cause of death
“Good morning.” “Good morning, doctor.” “How are you doing?” “It’s probably best not to tarry. I’m parked in the metered zone. Give it to me straight, doctor. How much time do I have left?” “Let me get the right visual aid. Ah… yes. You see this display with the time ticking down?” “Yes.” “That’s the…
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
Older Articles:
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
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Healthcare in the US: it all makes sense if you’re a squirrel
The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency. Customer: Hi. Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…] C: [Confirms name, etc.] CSR: What can I help you with? C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but…
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
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Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, coming soon to a theater near you
The year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3. Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens…
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if…