The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?” “No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.” “Oh, but the sign on the door says…” “I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.” “Ah. Well, I’d like to submit…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?” “No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.” “Oh, but the sign on the door says…” “I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.” “Ah. Well, I’d like to submit…
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Stupid Cancer
“Give it to me straight, doctor. What is it?” “Oh, it’s a stupid cancer.” “Cancer? Jeez… you sure gave it to me straight. What type is it?” “I’ve told you already. Stupid.” “Hey now, I may be a little slow but don’t call me stupid.” “You’re not understanding me. You have cancer of the stupid.”…
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Ran out of ideas
“Say, what are you doing boarding up your shop?” “Oh, I used to sell ideas, but I ran out of them. So I’m closing shop, for good.” “What are you going to do?” “I hear there’s a farm upstate where all the writers who ran out of ideas are free to frolic all day.” “Hmm……
Most Viewed Articles:
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of…
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Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system
The Daily Isotope talked to Nancy Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.” She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as…
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…
Random Articles:
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Gestapo Soup
“Here’s your soup, sir.” “Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.” “Oh?” “Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.” “What did you order?” “The Gestapo soup.” “This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.” “I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”…
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder. Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed…
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…
Older Articles:
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Dating: man proves to scammer he’s not gay by paying
A man, MrTorso, proved to a scammer, BigTits339, that he isn’t gay by agreeing to pay for a new laptop. The Daily Isotope was provided with a transcript of the exchange between BigTits339 and MrTorso. BigTits339: Let’s video chat. I wanna show you something. MrTorso: Alright. [MrTorso connects with BigTits339 through video chat.] MrTorso: I…
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Communication company hires baby for CEO
When the old CEO of Antennas Inc retired, their board tasked the head of HR, Annie Smith, to find a new person to take on the vacated position. Little did they realize what they had asked for. Smith explains, “They told me that since the old CEO was retiring, we need new blood and a…
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Flight canceled in midair when officers realize mistake
Slapdash Air Flight 394 was canceled in midair yesterday when its pilot and copilot realized that a mistake was made in the flight’s paperwork. Robert Stark, the pilot, explains, “I was looking at the choice of meals we had for the flight. I saw that the choices would be steak and fish. But that’s not…
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Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration
The Daily Isotope was able to obtain a partial draft of the script of the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration. We publish here what we obtained. La Forge: Captain, the enemy ship is about to fire on us. Picard: Raise shields. Worf: Sir, this will require more power…
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Man develops superpowers after being hit by a photon beam
Meet Jim Post, an ordinary man. Well, he used to be an ordinary man. That is, until, fate decided otherwise, for, you see, Jim was involved in a freak accident involving a photon beam. Jim explains, “Yeah, I used to be this ordinary guy, you know. I had a wife, a house, a dog, a…
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars. She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion…
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Here’s how many push-ups you should be able to do, by age
The research team at The Daily Isotope has recorded how many pushups its team of dedicated journalists are able to do according to their age. We’ve furthermore extrapolated from this data to come up with figures at any age. Here are the results. Age Number of push ups fetal ∞ 0-2 years 1938380 2-10 years…
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Toilets in the Southern Hemisphere flush unexpectedly
Everybody knows that toilets in the Northern Hemisphere flush normally. This is due to the Don Corleone effect, which pushes the water the normal way. Now, in the Southern Hemisphere, the Don Corleone effect also exists but works in reverse. This fact makes the toilets there work in an unexpected fashion. We asked Carlos Morales…