The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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No hamsters
“I’d like to order a burger.” “Any special instructions?” “No hamsters.” “Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.” [Later.] “Here is your burger.” “Excellent! Wait. What’s this?” “Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.” “I said no hamsters!” “Yes, and this is not a hamster.…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
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Should You Spit Or Swallow Mucus? Here’s What An Expert Says
The Daily Isotope researched whether one should spit mucus or swallow it. In our research, we’ve reached out to Pustile Mince, a renowned mucologist and Ig Nobel Prize recipient, who works for The Mucus Clinic of America and Luxembourg. When we’ve put the question to Mince, she explained “It is better to spit the mucus.…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
Random Articles:
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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The Alfredo sauce tastes funny…
“Oh, waiter!” “Yes.” “I’m not satisfied with this Alfredo sauce.” “Oh. Let me taste it. […] It tastes like perfectly fine Alfredo sauce to me.” “It does? To me this tastes like my husband.” “Your husband?” “Yes, husband. I mean I do like the taste of my husband, but Alfredo sauce should not taste like…
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”– Jack Lumack Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage. John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing.…
Older Articles:
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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Woman fixes marriage by divorcing and remarrying husband
Julie Wang is not a woman who easily accepts defeat. After years dealing with a dead bedroom, she had enough, and took a page from those Customer Service Representatives that she has to deal with regularly. Julie explains, “They keep recommending that I reset everything. Have you rebooted your laptop? Have you restarted your modem?…
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911: man using ‘literally’ figuratively causes commotion
Jim Strong caused quite a commotion when he called 911 last Saturday. Strong claims he was just trying to help his friend. “I was fearing for his life. What he was telling me made literally no sense, and I mean ‘literally’ literally,” Strong explains. Strong’s friend, Mike Johnson, apparently told Strong that his wife was…
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Dating: “his idea of ‘fun’ is doing taxes.”
When Beth joined a dating app to find love, she knew one thing for sure: she wants to have fun. Consequently, she listed “fun” as one of her desires in the list of desires that the app provides in users’ profiles. “Who wants drudgery? Am I right?”, she asks, laughing. Beth saw a lot of…
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
John Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.” Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign.…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…