The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Two Cockroaches
“Give it to me straight, doctor.” “Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.” “Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.” “No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.” “Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.” “Alright, it’s…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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The alien abduction
“I came as fast as I could. I was curling my hair when central called.” “That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.” “What have we here?” “By the looks of it, an abduction.” “Ah. You know what they say, right?” “No, what do they say?” “Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you*…
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The Alfredo sauce tastes funny…
“Oh, waiter!” “Yes.” “I’m not satisfied with this Alfredo sauce.” “Oh. Let me taste it. […] It tastes like perfectly fine Alfredo sauce to me.” “It does? To me this tastes like my husband.” “Your husband?” “Yes, husband. I mean I do like the taste of my husband, but Alfredo sauce should not taste like…
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The cat burglar
“I was kissing a cow when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “I see. That explains the smell.” “What smell?” “You smell like a cow.” “Oh. That’s not the cow.” “What is it, then?” “My deodorant.” “What fragrance are you using that smells so bad?” “Barnyard Animal. Why?” “It figures.” “Anyway, what…
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Marcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright.…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
Random Articles:
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars. She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion…
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
Older Articles:
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I tried Apple’s Hearing Test and the results shocked me
I tried Apple’s Hearing Test, and I couldn’t believe the results I got. Who would have thought that I was experiencing the type of hearing loss average for people my age? Definitely not me. The first thing the test did was to prove to me that I could indeed hear. Wow! I would have never…
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Engineer shows he has no self-esteem by applying 300 times to Tesla
Bob Minge is an engineer with big dreams. He wants to work for Tesla. Minge explains, “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this dream of working my ass off for no benefits. You know. The American dream kinda thing. When I graduated, I realized that Tesla would be the perfect place for…
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
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New study finds the worst small city in the US
The National Institute of Dubious Studies released their survey of US small cities, ranking all the cities in order of best to worst. It turns out that Pleasantville, New York is the worst small city in the US. James Johnson, a researcher, explained, “We went from small city to small city to rank them. The…
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The 1 Thing Coffee Drinkers Should Never Do, According To A Dentist
A recent survey uncovered an alarming trend among coffee drinkers. It revealed that two thirds of coffee drinkers lick a live electrical outlet right after they drink their coffee. John Minston, a dentist from the National Common Sense Dentistry Institute, explains, “For some baffling reason, a lot of coffee drinkers like to lick a live…
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Be careful when talking to your ‘parts’
Bob Morton was in a pickle. He had seen the profile on a dating app of someone that looked great, but he was hesitating. He explains, “My brain was spinning. It was going over all the variables involved, and its verdict was that I should pass. The process was causing a lot of stress.” He…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
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Boeing CEO experiences unscheduled disassembly in mid-speech
The CEO of Boeing, Kelly Ortberg, started giving his speech at Boeing’s Seattle Delivery Center in the usual manner. Soon, however, things took a turn for the strange. A member of the audience explains, “He was telling us how the product we sell is a reflection of ourselves. I did not realize how prophetic his…