The Daily Isotope
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Latest Short Form Article:
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Two Cockroaches
“Give it to me straight, doctor.” “Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.” “Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.” “No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.” “Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.” “Alright, it’s…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Here’s how many push-ups you should be able to do, by age
The research team at The Daily Isotope has recorded how many pushups its team of dedicated journalists are able to do according to their age. We’ve furthermore extrapolated from this data to come up with figures at any age. Here are the results. Age Number of push ups fetal ∞ 0-2 years 1938380 2-10 years…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne
There is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music? James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits…
Random Articles:
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Socially mandated love
“Hi!” “AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.” “Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.” “You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!” “But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”…
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He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.” “Frying air?” “Yes.” “How do you fry air?” “You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.” “I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.” “So…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
Older Articles:
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…