The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Two Cockroaches
“Give it to me straight, doctor.” “Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.” “Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.” “No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.” “Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.” “Alright, it’s…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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The leading cause of death
“Good morning.” “Good morning, doctor.” “How are you doing?” “It’s probably best not to tarry. I’m parked in the metered zone. Give it to me straight, doctor. How much time do I have left?” “Let me get the right visual aid. Ah… yes. You see this display with the time ticking down?” “Yes.” “That’s the…
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Of tigers and krakens…
[Knock at door] “[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?” “Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.” “The tigers?” “Yes.” “I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.” “Here is our flier. Look at that list.” “Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”…
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He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.” “Frying air?” “Yes.” “How do you fry air?” “You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.” “I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.” “So…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Here’s how many push-ups you should be able to do, by age
The research team at The Daily Isotope has recorded how many pushups its team of dedicated journalists are able to do according to their age. We’ve furthermore extrapolated from this data to come up with figures at any age. Here are the results. Age Number of push ups fetal ∞ 0-2 years 1938380 2-10 years…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne
There is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music? James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits…
Random Articles:
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Communication company hires baby for CEO
When the old CEO of Antennas Inc retired, their board tasked the head of HR, Annie Smith, to find a new person to take on the vacated position. Little did they realize what they had asked for. Smith explains, “They told me that since the old CEO was retiring, we need new blood and a…
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
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Three Little Farts
“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?” “Yes, I love that song.” “Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?” “Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.” “Dammit!” “But they did hear the song.” “YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!” “Why?” “Scallywag! I OWN…
Older Articles:
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…