The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
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Man unexpectedly dates motorcycle
A Waterford man got more than he bargained for when he sent a like on the profile of what he thought was a woman on a dating app. He explains, “She was so beautiful. I just couldn’t help myself, so I liked her.” He admitted that he did not pay much attention to the text…
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Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment?
Can a smooth rejection constitute harassment? Let us examine one case. We’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between two people on a dating app. We’ve replaced the user handles with A and B for the sake of the privacy of the people involved. Moreover, we do know that A is an enby, but we…
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Quantum elections: man refuses to hear election results, for fear of “collapsing the wave”
Brad Singleton is a man on a mission. His mission is to stay away from any news source. He does this because he does not want to know who won the latest election. Singleton says, “They say that ignorance is bliss. I’m quite happy in my state of ignorance.” We pressed Singleton for his reasoning.…
Random Articles:
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Conditional gift giving, is it for you?
A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.” She continues, “The people receiving the gift…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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Autistic enby fails job interview for making too much and too little eye contact
Rain Smith, an autistic enby, managed to land an interview with a prestigious technology company that shall not be named in this story. Smith explains, “I was nervous. It is rather hard for us to pass interviews and land a job. Last interview I did, they told me I was both underqualified and overqualified for…
Older Articles:
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Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration
The Daily Isotope was able to obtain a partial draft of the script of the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration. We publish here what we obtained. La Forge: Captain, the enemy ship is about to fire on us. Picard: Raise shields. Worf: Sir, this will require more power…
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Man develops superpowers after being hit by a photon beam
Meet Jim Post, an ordinary man. Well, he used to be an ordinary man. That is, until, fate decided otherwise, for, you see, Jim was involved in a freak accident involving a photon beam. Jim explains, “Yeah, I used to be this ordinary guy, you know. I had a wife, a house, a dog, a…
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars. She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion…
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Here’s how many push-ups you should be able to do, by age
The research team at The Daily Isotope has recorded how many pushups its team of dedicated journalists are able to do according to their age. We’ve furthermore extrapolated from this data to come up with figures at any age. Here are the results. Age Number of push ups fetal ∞ 0-2 years 1938380 2-10 years…
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Toilets in the Southern Hemisphere flush unexpectedly
Everybody knows that toilets in the Northern Hemisphere flush normally. This is due to the Don Corleone effect, which pushes the water the normal way. Now, in the Southern Hemisphere, the Don Corleone effect also exists but works in reverse. This fact makes the toilets there work in an unexpected fashion. We asked Carlos Morales…
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Quantum elections: man refuses to hear election results, for fear of “collapsing the wave”
Brad Singleton is a man on a mission. His mission is to stay away from any news source. He does this because he does not want to know who won the latest election. Singleton says, “They say that ignorance is bliss. I’m quite happy in my state of ignorance.” We pressed Singleton for his reasoning.…
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Should You Spit Or Swallow Mucus? Here’s What An Expert Says
The Daily Isotope researched whether one should spit mucus or swallow it. In our research, we’ve reached out to Pustile Mince, a renowned mucologist and Ig Nobel Prize recipient, who works for The Mucus Clinic of America and Luxembourg. When we’ve put the question to Mince, she explained “It is better to spit the mucus.…
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Automated calling assistant gets call from automated robocaller
The Daily Isotope has obtained the transcript of a conversation between an automated calling assistant and an automated robocaller. “Hi, I’m an automated calling assistant, recording this call for the person you’re trying to reach. May I ask what you’re calling about?” “Hi, I’m an automated robocaller. I’m calling about getting insurance with us.” “Hi,…