The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Two Cockroaches
“Give it to me straight, doctor.” “Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.” “Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.” “No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.” “Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.” “Alright, it’s…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Ran out of ideas
“Say, what are you doing boarding up your shop?” “Oh, I used to sell ideas, but I ran out of them. So I’m closing shop, for good.” “What are you going to do?” “I hear there’s a farm upstate where all the writers who ran out of ideas are free to frolic all day.” “Hmm……
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Socially mandated love
“Hi!” “AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.” “Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.” “You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!” “But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
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Should You Spit Or Swallow Mucus? Here’s What An Expert Says
The Daily Isotope researched whether one should spit mucus or swallow it. In our research, we’ve reached out to Pustile Mince, a renowned mucologist and Ig Nobel Prize recipient, who works for The Mucus Clinic of America and Luxembourg. When we’ve put the question to Mince, she explained “It is better to spit the mucus.…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
Random Articles:
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts. Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
Older Articles:
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Fartacue causes tears in the neighborhood
Bill Munson caused quite a commotion on the 3100 block of Start Street in Baskerville last Saturday when he decided to hold a Fartacue. “There I was on my porch,” Annie Mitchell, a neighbor of Munson, tells us, “I was chilling after a hard day of work when this smell came over. It was like…
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We will fix schools by prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines
An idiot politician took to the campaign trail on Monday to promise that he will “fix the schools” by “prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines.” When asked about the move, he explained, “Schools spend all their time producing perpetual motion machines rather than indoctrinating our children in Republican ideology. It happens, you know! I’d…
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YouTube creator criticizes himself for harsh working conditions
In the wake of the Mr. Beast controversy about harsh working conditions, a whistleblower came forth with revelations that the YouTube creator called Your Autistic Life has created a toxic work environment for his worker. He explains, “My boss keeps pushing me to work work work all the time. It is insane. He also makes…
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Dating: man “just looking for what’s out there” got more than he bargained for!
Daniel felt lonely. He figured he would fix his loneliness by finding himself a companion. So he installed a dating app on his phone, and immediately got to task writing a profile. He says, “I decided to write that I was just looking for what’s out there. You know. I wanted to sound cool, and…
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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Woman fixes marriage by divorcing and remarrying husband
Julie Wang is not a woman who easily accepts defeat. After years dealing with a dead bedroom, she had enough, and took a page from those Customer Service Representatives that she has to deal with regularly. Julie explains, “They keep recommending that I reset everything. Have you rebooted your laptop? Have you restarted your modem?…
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911: man using ‘literally’ figuratively causes commotion
Jim Strong caused quite a commotion when he called 911 last Saturday. Strong claims he was just trying to help his friend. “I was fearing for his life. What he was telling me made literally no sense, and I mean ‘literally’ literally,” Strong explains. Strong’s friend, Mike Johnson, apparently told Strong that his wife was…
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Dating: “his idea of ‘fun’ is doing taxes.”
When Beth joined a dating app to find love, she knew one thing for sure: she wants to have fun. Consequently, she listed “fun” as one of her desires in the list of desires that the app provides in users’ profiles. “Who wants drudgery? Am I right?”, she asks, laughing. Beth saw a lot of…
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
John Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.” Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign.…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…