The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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No funny business
“I was eating pasta when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “Oh, that explains the napkin you still have around your neck.” “Oops. Just a second. [Pulls on the napkin. There’s another napkin tied to it, and a third, and a fourth…] [Five minutes later, there’s a waist-high pile of napkins on…
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Taking care of one’s anus
Client: Hi! I’m looking for this drug. [Points to advertisement.] Pharmacist: Let me look. Ah, yes. You are looking for the medication called ANUSOL because you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS. C: Not so loud! P: Nancy, do we have ANUSOL in stock? This client here [points] needs it to TAKE CARE OF…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
Random Articles:
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A restaurant staffed by AI
The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction. Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss. Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either. W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.” J: Ah, er,…
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Healthcare in the US: it all makes sense if you’re a squirrel
The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency. Customer: Hi. Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…] C: [Confirms name, etc.] CSR: What can I help you with? C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
Older Articles:
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
John Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.” Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign.…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…