The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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Three Little Farts
“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?” “Yes, I love that song.” “Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?” “Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.” “Dammit!” “But they did hear the song.” “YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!” “Why?” “Scallywag! I OWN…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Of tigers and krakens…
[Knock at door] “[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?” “Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.” “The tigers?” “Yes.” “I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.” “Here is our flier. Look at that list.” “Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”…
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He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.” “Frying air?” “Yes.” “How do you fry air?” “You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.” “I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.” “So…
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
Most Viewed Articles:
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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Should You Spit Or Swallow Mucus? Here’s What An Expert Says
The Daily Isotope researched whether one should spit mucus or swallow it. In our research, we’ve reached out to Pustile Mince, a renowned mucologist and Ig Nobel Prize recipient, who works for The Mucus Clinic of America and Luxembourg. When we’ve put the question to Mince, she explained “It is better to spit the mucus.…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
Random Articles:
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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Toilets in the Southern Hemisphere flush unexpectedly
Everybody knows that toilets in the Northern Hemisphere flush normally. This is due to the Don Corleone effect, which pushes the water the normal way. Now, in the Southern Hemisphere, the Don Corleone effect also exists but works in reverse. This fact makes the toilets there work in an unexpected fashion. We asked Carlos Morales…
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Conditional gift giving, is it for you?
A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.” She continues, “The people receiving the gift…
Older Articles:
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We will fix schools by prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines
An idiot politician took to the campaign trail on Monday to promise that he will “fix the schools” by “prohibiting the production of perpetual motion machines.” When asked about the move, he explained, “Schools spend all their time producing perpetual motion machines rather than indoctrinating our children in Republican ideology. It happens, you know! I’d…
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YouTube creator criticizes himself for harsh working conditions
In the wake of the Mr. Beast controversy about harsh working conditions, a whistleblower came forth with revelations that the YouTube creator called Your Autistic Life has created a toxic work environment for his worker. He explains, “My boss keeps pushing me to work work work all the time. It is insane. He also makes…
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Dating: man “just looking for what’s out there” got more than he bargained for!
Daniel felt lonely. He figured he would fix his loneliness by finding himself a companion. So he installed a dating app on his phone, and immediately got to task writing a profile. He says, “I decided to write that I was just looking for what’s out there. You know. I wanted to sound cool, and…
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Humans to be eradicated by cats within 100 years
Scientific studies indicate that within 100 years, cats will have eradicated humans. The lead scientist of the study, Xi Ming, explains, “The mouse models are quite clear. Within a hundred years, humans will be extinct because cats will have eradicated them, just like they do with mice.” Asked about the wisdom of using a mouse…
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Woman fixes marriage by divorcing and remarrying husband
Julie Wang is not a woman who easily accepts defeat. After years dealing with a dead bedroom, she had enough, and took a page from those Customer Service Representatives that she has to deal with regularly. Julie explains, “They keep recommending that I reset everything. Have you rebooted your laptop? Have you restarted your modem?…
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911: man using ‘literally’ figuratively causes commotion
Jim Strong caused quite a commotion when he called 911 last Saturday. Strong claims he was just trying to help his friend. “I was fearing for his life. What he was telling me made literally no sense, and I mean ‘literally’ literally,” Strong explains. Strong’s friend, Mike Johnson, apparently told Strong that his wife was…
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Dating: “his idea of ‘fun’ is doing taxes.”
When Beth joined a dating app to find love, she knew one thing for sure: she wants to have fun. Consequently, she listed “fun” as one of her desires in the list of desires that the app provides in users’ profiles. “Who wants drudgery? Am I right?”, she asks, laughing. Beth saw a lot of…
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
John Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.” Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign.…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…