The Daily Isotope
The same but different.
Latest Short Form Article:
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The K9 Unit
“I came as fast as I could. I was in the middle of being turned into a newt when central called.” “You still look human to me.” “That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.” “So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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No funny business
“I was eating pasta when central called. I came as fast as I could.” “Oh, that explains the napkin you still have around your neck.” “Oops. Just a second. [Pulls on the napkin. There’s another napkin tied to it, and a third, and a fourth…] [Five minutes later, there’s a waist-high pile of napkins on…
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Taking care of one’s anus
Client: Hi! I’m looking for this drug. [Points to advertisement.] Pharmacist: Let me look. Ah, yes. You are looking for the medication called ANUSOL because you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS. C: Not so loud! P: Nancy, do we have ANUSOL in stock? This client here [points] needs it to TAKE CARE OF…
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Ban all the things!
A new episode of NCIS:STI, Special Transistorized Intelligence… (Stop giggling! We ran out of initialisms, ok?) “What can you tell me about the new case?” “The criminals used encryption.” “What is this encryption you’re talking about?” “It is a method whereby criminals generate a public key and a private key, and the keys…” “Whoa! That’s…
Most Viewed Articles:
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I tried Apple’s Hearing Test and the results shocked me
I tried Apple’s Hearing Test, and I couldn’t believe the results I got. Who would have thought that I was experiencing the type of hearing loss average for people my age? Definitely not me. The first thing the test did was to prove to me that I could indeed hear. Wow! I would have never…
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if…
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Machines now diagnosed with mental conditions
The US Copyright Office has granted an exception that would allow business owners to call upon experts to diagnose broken machines. Owners have immediately taken advantage of the exception, and finally know why their machines are refusing to work. Janice Penn, an impacted business owner, told us, “I thought my machines were just being lazy,…
Random Articles:
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.” “I see.” “[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]” “How’s the patient?” “As dead as when…
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Fartacue causes tears in the neighborhood
Bill Munson caused quite a commotion on the 3100 block of Start Street in Baskerville last Saturday when he decided to hold a Fartacue. “There I was on my porch,” Annie Mitchell, a neighbor of Munson, tells us, “I was chilling after a hard day of work when this smell came over. It was like…
Older Articles:
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Dating: man proves to scammer he’s not gay by paying
A man, MrTorso, proved to a scammer, BigTits339, that he isn’t gay by agreeing to pay for a new laptop. The Daily Isotope was provided with a transcript of the exchange between BigTits339 and MrTorso. BigTits339: Let’s video chat. I wanna show you something. MrTorso: Alright. [MrTorso connects with BigTits339 through video chat.] MrTorso: I…
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Communication company hires baby for CEO
When the old CEO of Antennas Inc retired, their board tasked the head of HR, Annie Smith, to find a new person to take on the vacated position. Little did they realize what they had asked for. Smith explains, “They told me that since the old CEO was retiring, we need new blood and a…
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Flight canceled in midair when officers realize mistake
Slapdash Air Flight 394 was canceled in midair yesterday when its pilot and copilot realized that a mistake was made in the flight’s paperwork. Robert Stark, the pilot, explains, “I was looking at the choice of meals we had for the flight. I saw that the choices would be steak and fish. But that’s not…
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Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration
The Daily Isotope was able to obtain a partial draft of the script of the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration. We publish here what we obtained. La Forge: Captain, the enemy ship is about to fire on us. Picard: Raise shields. Worf: Sir, this will require more power…
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Man develops superpowers after being hit by a photon beam
Meet Jim Post, an ordinary man. Well, he used to be an ordinary man. That is, until, fate decided otherwise, for, you see, Jim was involved in a freak accident involving a photon beam. Jim explains, “Yeah, I used to be this ordinary guy, you know. I had a wife, a house, a dog, a…
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Asking Bib: My dentist keeps making appointments without my consent
Dear Bib: I’ve been going to this dentist since WWII, but lately he’s taken up the bad habit of making appointments without my consent. Last week, he had the gall to go on a date without asking for my permission. Then, the next day, he had an appointment with his own doctor. Again, he did…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
The Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars. She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion…
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Here’s how many push-ups you should be able to do, by age
The research team at The Daily Isotope has recorded how many pushups its team of dedicated journalists are able to do according to their age. We’ve furthermore extrapolated from this data to come up with figures at any age. Here are the results. Age Number of push ups fetal ∞ 0-2 years 1938380 2-10 years…
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Toilets in the Southern Hemisphere flush unexpectedly
Everybody knows that toilets in the Northern Hemisphere flush normally. This is due to the Don Corleone effect, which pushes the water the normal way. Now, in the Southern Hemisphere, the Don Corleone effect also exists but works in reverse. This fact makes the toilets there work in an unexpected fashion. We asked Carlos Morales…