The Daily Isotope
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Latest Short Form Article:
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
Latest Article:
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension. Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind? Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature. Therapist: What makes you say this? Patient: They say that I’m cold.…
Short Form Articles:
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Rats don’t prosper…
“I came as soon as I could. I was doing lines when central called.” “You know that’s a nasty habit, don’t you?” “You want me to stop reciting lines of poetry?” “Yes. I do. You sound like a squid every time you recite your damn lines.” “Anyhow. What do we have here?” “Someone was murdered,…
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.” “Okay.” “Did you finish drinking your prep?” “Yes. It was disgusting.” “Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.” “Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.” “How was your last bowel movement.” “Squirty.” “Squirty?” “Yes, squirty.” “Did you reach the peeing…
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It hugs the other end
“So, what is it?” “I’ve got a few questions to ask before I make a final diagnosis.” “Ask away, doctor.” “What were you doing at the time of the incident?” “I was exploding planetoid 633 with my team.” “Was it *all* that you were doing?” “Yes.” “Now, now. Don’t be coy with me. After all,…
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Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.” “Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.” “So did I get the job?” “The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened…
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing. Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this…
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Traveling to Québec? Try the THC-infused fish
If you are traveling to Québec and want THC, you might be in for a surprise. The provincial government regulates what products the dispensaries there are able to sell. In order to prevent children from eating products they shouldn’t, the government requires THC edibles to be unappealing to children. This hasn’t stopped proliferation of edibles,…
Random Articles:
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Fartacue causes tears in the neighborhood
Bill Munson caused quite a commotion on the 3100 block of Start Street in Baskerville last Saturday when he decided to hold a Fartacue. “There I was on my porch,” Annie Mitchell, a neighbor of Munson, tells us, “I was chilling after a hard day of work when this smell came over. It was like…
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Lawyer talk
“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]” “Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.” “No, I was talking to my lawyer.” “Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?” “I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.” #TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction…
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The alien abduction
“I came as fast as I could. I was curling my hair when central called.” “That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.” “What have we here?” “By the looks of it, an abduction.” “Ah. You know what they say, right?” “No, what do they say?” “Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you*…
Older Articles:
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
John Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.” Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign.…
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Autistic man defeats evil empress
The reign of Empress… er… Mimimouch of the Gnorflax Empire ended yesterday in the most unexpected way. She was defeated by an autistic man. Her messenger reported, “The Empress would use the splendor of her glare to force us to bow down before her. Her glare was irresistible.” She asked her messenger who would it…
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition. “I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this…